12/15/2004

Attn: All white males excluding John Travolta

It's a fact. Women love men who dance. That's always been true and it always will be. The guys who brave their way to the dance floor will win the affection of female onlookers. And you don't have to be any good. You can go out to the center of the stage and do your best impression of an epileptic seizure and some girl will be telling her girlfriends, “I don't know. I think he's kinda cute. Look at the way the foam trickles from his mouth.”

Men complain that dancing makes them feel stupid. Wrong! You don't just feel stupid. You look stupid, too. But don't blame yourselves. Dancing is a stupid ritual. Don't believe me? Go to a disco, look at the dance floor -- and then cover your ears.

What the fuck are those people doing? Most of them look like they're trying to step on a cockroach and hold back a fart at the same time.

Of course you feel stupid while dancing. That's why the only people dancing are drunk. I needed 4 martinis just to slow-dance with Mrs. Ward, my 8th grade music teacher, at my junior high prom. I was sporting a tromboner that night.

Anyway, women love when men dance. But it's not for the reasons you think. You're not sexy. You're not spontaneous or romantic or fun-loving. You're not fooling women when you gyrate on the floor like Star Jones straddling Michael J. Fox on a pound of crank. It looks pathetic. And therein lies the answer. That's why women love when we dance. They love to see men willing to humiliate themselves to get laid. You're the type of guy she's looking for. If she can get you to dance, she can get you to do anything. If you look like a jag on the dance floor, you'll put a jag in the garage -- just for her.

Guys, you see all those girls smiling at you when you're dancing. You know what they're really thinking? “Oh yeah. There's a guy I can spend the rest of my life manipulating for my own amusement. I think I love him.”

9 comments:

Jack Mercer said...

Tough guys don't dance. I don't anyway...

Anonymous said...

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History Dude said...

I agree. As a self confessed two-left-footer, I can attest to the fact that women in general like a guy with the huevos to strut their stuff, however moronic that stuff may be.

Anonymous said...

"You're not fooling women when you gyrate on the floor like Star Jones straddling Michael J. Fox on a pound of crank."

BWAHAHAHAH!!!! Thanks for this, much needed today!

Love, Veggie

Andrew said...

That was hilarious... Go out there and strut your stuff! If the girl doesnt like it, tell her you're going to go be white somewhere else... for me? the manipulation has begun

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Hi Veggie. We all miss you.

Do you have a new blog or an email address?

Anonymous said...

Ponti, I'm on the hell known as livejournal... nothing too interesting unless you are added as a "friend" and see the "special" rants. ;) LOL.

Anyway, I'm bauhaus77 over there. :) I kind of like the looks of this place. Perhaps I'll debate migrating!

~V

Miss Fabulous said...

I loved Gene Kelly when I was a little girl. I had a crush on him the size of Texas.

Anonymous said...

that is so true my brother! did you make that up or copy it from someone? if you made it up then you are awesome...if not then ur a big fat phony!!!!!