12/13/2004

Fine Print

I can sum up the problem with Corporate America in two words: "Fine Print."

Whoever invented fine print should be forced to copulate with a motorized kitchen appliance.

Why should I get fucked into paying 29% interest because I forgot my reading glasses?

After all, what is the purpose of a written contract? To make things crystal fuckin' clear. Specifically, it prevents both parties from trying to butt-fuck the other, and in the event one does, remedies for a reach-around handjob protect the fuck-ee. This is Contracts 101, people. Reading between the lines and hidden messages are the stuff of poetry, religion and people smoking dope, not those entereing into contract.

The written contract was a splendid device, right up until some jag-off invented fine print. The presence of fine print should void a contract and entitle the solicited party to give a free kick in the crotch to the contractor.

In the place of fine print, contracts should feature a singing telegram like those Hallmark cards have. When you unfold the thing, a little electronic speaker plays a melody and sings, "Forget what you think you signed; we're going to fuck you out of your assets and ding your credit all to hell."

When you care enough to screw the very best.

As a rule, the more finely printed the contract, the more fucking the consumer sphincter will endure. And what has the most fine print? Warranty contracts! Warranties are printed with letters so small they could print War and Peace on the Olson Twins' collective buttox. The only thing anybody guarantees is their committment to fucking the consumer over in the event of a dispute.

An offspring of fine print is the TV commercial disclaimer. You know that off-white blurb of bullshit that appears at the bottom of the screen for 7 microseconds and contradicts all the claims that the big, pretty color pictures are making? I love how they try to slip that past the viewers. A ferret with a pound of crank in his system couldn't catch all of that message.

Fine print is the scourge of Corporate America.

You can trust me on that!




2 comments:

Jack Mercer said...

Pontif, ever notice that everything government produces is "fine print"?

Myster said...

Can ferrets read?