12/22/2004

My New Year's Resolutions

1) Purchase stock in Trident gum; find the 5th dentist who won't approve of Trident -- and kill him
2) Get to know my penis on a deeper level
3) Drink as much diet soda as my kidneys will allow
4) Divvy up my lottery winnings with all my blog buddies
5) Find and capture the "real killers" of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown, and deliver them to OJ for the reward money.
6) Start a Dennis Miller Fan Club and recruit at least one other member besides Dennis Miller
7) Clone wife. Have threesome.
8) Figure out the ending of 2001, A Space Oddisey
9) Research family tree and prune out all the jerks
10) Take a self-esteem class


7 comments:

Jack Mercer said...

All honorable pursuits, Pontif.

Happy New Year!

Blog ho said...

If you can get #7 working...and be able to make her look and act differently, I'd pay up to 20 dollars for that secret.

Blog ho said...

Also. Good stuff. Funny, clever, dare I say...breathtaking.

Veggie said...

1. BRILLIANT PLAN!
3. I'm working on this one right now. Obviously aspartame and splenda don't cause a third eye...
7. What a good idea as to how to combal spousal jealousy!
8. Good fucking luck! The only book that fucked with me more than this was "Solaris".
9. Mine would totally be a stump...

Once again, another hilarious adventure into the Bug's Butt. Thanks, dude!

Anonymous said...

*LOL* Love your resolutions! I need to make some, but I don't think they will be as intriguing as yours!
Heather
http://mommislife.blogspot.com

History Dude said...

I second number 7! 8 is good too. I have a student named Dave. I told him when he always reminds me of Hal from 2001, A Space Odyssey. I told him he should watch it. He has not been the same since.

kate said...

your resolutions remind me to make my own. do you really have a wife?