12/17/2004

'Tis the Season

  • My daughter worried whether our dog would bark at Santa when he shimmies down the chimney this year. I told her to relax and reminded her that Santa never leaves the North Pole without his tranquilizer gun.
  • I'm amazed at the things people can sculpt from Christmas food products. Gingerbread houses, locomotive trains, trees, faces, and of course, genitalia. Nothing says Christmas like a cookie shaped into a guy's junk.
  • This year I asked Santa for a titanium-shaft, computer-designed, $300 golf club -- so I can hit the ball 10 yards farther into the woods than I usually do.
  • Do you think Santa ever had his reindeer "fixed?" After all, there's only 8 or 9 of them. How about the elves? I guess we'll know if Mrs. Clause ever craps out a 3-foot, pointy-eared kid with lime-green skin and a penchant for building toys.
  • I hate these people who insist they caught a buzz off the Christmas rum balls. Yeah, the thimble of liquor in the candy caused you to strip naked and whiz in the punch bowl at the Xmas party. You think the 7 egg nogs might have had a hand in it?
  • I'm listenting to Elvis' Christmas just now, and I've got an idea. I'm going to design a Christmas ornemant of Elivs, dead on a toilet, with the a banner reading "I'll have a Blue Christmas..."
  • If everybody gains ten pounds during the holidays, how come we don't lose any weight during Lent? It doesn't seem fair to me.
  • For my money, the best Christmas food of all is a nice, kosher Christmas ham.


3 comments:

Miss Fabulous said...

Lightning Bug: I'm reading David Sedaris' "Holidays on Ice" book about his time in NYC, when he was a struggling 33 year old writer. He was so broke he took a job as an elf at Macy's. You must read this. Also, check out my post for today! I have a sneaky feeling you'll like it and feel the same way I do (i.e. reading about the stange tendencies of others has a way to make you feel better). Merry Christmas!

Jack Mercer said...

Santa being gone only one night, I doubt anything happens with the elves...

I WANT THE ELVIS ORNAMENT, DUDE!!!!!!!!!

Veggie said...

"Do you think Santa ever had his reindeer "fixed?" After all, there's only 8 or 9 of them. How about the elves? I guess we'll know if Mrs. Clause ever craps out a 3-foot, pointy-eared kid with lime-green skin and a penchant for building toys. "

CLASSIC!!! LOVING IT!

Count me as a second buyer for the Elvis Ornament! ROFLMAO!