1/20/2005

Contemplating hot flashes

I've got to tell you that I'm fascinated with womens' hot flashes. I wish I could have them, but only for scientific purposes. I'd wait for a hot flash and test its heating power by jumping into a swimming pool -- in the winter, just to see if I'd survive. I think hot flashes would be fun during the winter. You could walk down the street in January in Buffalo wearing bicycle shorts and a jog bra. That would freak people out. Hey, when you have a hot flash outside in the winter, do you emit steam?

You know what else I'd do with a hot flash? I'd step into a meat locker and let my body and the cooler duke it out in a battle royale. Or else I'd jam a chub of frozen meat in my armpit to see if I could defrost it. Dinner's served.

Here's what I wonder. What if you're already doing something that makes you hot when your hot flash strikes? What if you're exercising, landscaping or staring at a picture of Ricardo Montalban? What if you're eating an Atomic Fireball? How hot do you get then? Hot enough to combust? What if you're wearing a jog suit? That would be a real pressure cooker, I'll bet. You could probably explode.

When my wife hits menopause, I'm gonna have a great human-electric blanket in bed. It'll be like sleeping with a radiator -- only with boobs, and an optional hotdog warmer.

9 comments:

Blog ho said...

You should have highlighted optional, not boobs. Unless...we married different women.

Molicious said...

I will tell you that when your wife hits menopause she won't just get hot flashes...she will sweat like you've never seen her sweat before. In the middle of the night she will tear out of bed dripping in sweat, pull off all her clothes, lay back in bed, and silently (or maybe not silently) curse you for having a penis. I don't know if she'll be up for the hotdog warmer.

Jack Mercer said...

Sounds the "the wife" has experience. Is a hot flash a flash? (I think of flashes as coming, but going as soon as they come). Would like to be enlightened on this topic because I know much less than even Bug...

Wyatt Junker said...

Whenever my wife has a hot flash, I punch her in the face. She tends to cool off after that.

Anti-Blogger said...

Obviously when women get hot flashes men get cold flashes. Cold shoulder, frigid, cold shower, cold stares, etc.

sCruuw said...

Hot flashes LAST...they are not a flash...they are called that because they come on suddenly...With this flash is an instant bad mood sweat beyond all sweat red face itching ...screaming "why the hell do YOU have the G.D heat up so high" The heat will get turned down to zero, the windows will be open in the winter with a fan!!! These are things I have done! I wear shorts all winter long!! Everywhere! I live in PA It is 20 degrees here today! They are skater punk kinda shorts but shorts no less! Menopause is called menopause for a reason....you will be put on PAUSE!

Wyatt Junker said...

Hey C, what kind of whore shorts are those? Do they ride up long yonder? Do they hinch up? Do they bind yer taint and twat up and put a nice lil' hitch in yer git along?

Toni said...

I don't know why I'm even bothering to comment. I'm only 28. *shrug* It's gonna be a while before I experience hot flashes.

Quixotic Cat said...

Even though my 'Hot Hours/Days/Weeks' are caused by fevers, my tests can be read to say that I'm menopausal (which amuses me to no end). I think they are wonderful in the winter. If I get too warm I run outside until I'm in danger of getting frostbite. Then when I come back inside I'm perfectly fine until I thaw out again :) I don't have to worry about lugging around heavy winter coats, and it saves on the gas bill! >^..^<