1/26/2005

Hidden talents and wide-open functions

Lot's of guys can burp the alphabet. I can urinate the Pledge of Allegiance.

We put too much pride into bodily functions. Why is that? Who was the first guy to brag about the fart he discharged? Doesn't the Hot Pocket he ate 20 minutes prior get any of the credit?

I've never celebrated my bodily functions. In fact, I do my best to conceal them from passers-by. It's the neighborly thing to do. But I find myself in the minority. I suspect some of the guys I know will someday bottle their own flatulence for safe keeping in the unlikely event they exhaust their gas supply.

Even women are getting in on the act. I know girls who fart... proudly. What is this, ladies? A case of if-you-can't-beat'em, join'em? Ten years ago, women who drank beer and watched football were revelations. They were all the rage. You were lucky indeed to find one of them, like a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll. Now girls are burping and farting boastfully. I half-expect to find a Tickle-Me-and-I-Rip-One doll in the future. And she'll be female. Right next to Bodily Function Barbie with Potpouri-sented Flatulence.

19 comments:

Victoria said...

Right? It's just.. so very (gross) third grade.
Thank you, LBB, someone needed to address this.

sCruuw said...

Wyatt is the king of bodily functions...take this up with him....

I am proud of my burps.

I don't fart...I fluff....like a bunny...

Anonymous said...

I don't fart. Nor do I poop. I have never quiffed and I don't pick my nose. I am practically perfect in every way. Like Mary Poppins, but with bigger tits.

Molicious said...

I don't burp, because burping is for wussies. I belch. And proudly. But I never fart or toot or pass gas. That's the dog's job. And she does it better than I EVER could. I do on the other hand drink beer and watch football.

Lizabeth said...

I belch as well, and my "fluffs" knock my boyfriend over. I gave up on hiding it unless we're in public. I do drink beer and watch football. I'll be first in line for the Tickle-Me-and-I-Rip-One doll, I can't wait!

citygurl said...

I don't drink beer, I drink VODKA. I don't watch football, but I play even though I have no idea what the hell is going on half the time. And I most certainly do not laugh at fart jokes. Ever. Ok, maybe sometimes. ALL RIGHT ALREADY--WHAT? THEY'RE FUNNY!

Jack Mercer said...

Since I'm getting up there in age, I'm beginning to find all of the above a bit difficult...

~*~*Magnolia*~*~ said...

AMEN BUGSBUTT! I totally agree. My brother would proudly fart and then when I'd be disgusted he'd just look at me like "What? It's normal." It may be a normal and healthy bodily function but that doesn't mean you can't be discreet about it! GROSS!

You've Got What I Need... said...

I have a friend who smells her armpits in public. It's one good time... because usually, she then makes some sort of exclimation like, "LORD I stink!" Which by way of comparison, makes me come up smelling like roses.

It's a win-win situation.

Andrew said...

I'd like to see some kind of pill that would make your farts smell like fresh cooked cinnamon rolls. Sure makes it fun for everyone you live with. Great post though, I definately agree with ya.

Misty said...

Oh My God!!!! The most Excellent Post I have read!!!!!!! Lightning do you have to be so right? Yes, of course I am afraid of the word no. EEEEWWWWW!!!!!! Women need to learn how to be Ladies, and Men need to learn how to be Gentlemen again.

Bloogers Byline said...

urinate ? you got one of them in your vehicle ? i took out the v8 and put one of them urinates in my pickemup and now mw and Agnes just piss around town.

Punkin said...

Magnolia doesn't know what she's talking about. Her butt lets out more air than a hot air balloon.

Now see...my family takes pride in such things. We're a very gaseous family.

~*~*Magnolia*~*~ said...

Curby, WTF are you talking about?

nongirlfriend said...

I sniff my armpits AND my feet (good thing I'm limber). But then, I fart and burp a lot, too.

Punkin said...

What, about my family?

Anti-Blogger said...

I once rigged a Winnie the Pooh doll to fart when you squeeze its tummy. A nice manly fart too. Plus, the whole "Pooh" thing seemed appropriate.

Osbasso said...

Don't you wish that the farts came out with a little cloud, like the Wisp Home Fragrancer made by Glade ("there it goes again..."). Can you just envision different colored little clouds for different causes of flatulence? Imagine the rainbow of colors!

darthmoridin said...

After 6 years, I've managed to get my wife to drink beer, but still no dice on the football. Or any sports that aren't the olympics, for that matter.