1/12/2005

If you would do good, go away.

Have you noticed we always have some activist group who justify being a pain in the ass by reminding us they're just trying to help? These do-gooders come in many forms. Those with the same cause-celebre flock together. Do-gooders change with the social tides and political climate. Once upon a time it was the temperance movement, then the labor unions and anti-nuclear movement. Next came the minority rights activists: gay, women, blacks, Indians, Neil Diamond fans. A few years ago we watched the anti-tobacco lawyers loot Big Tabacco with their class(less)-action shakedowns. And now we have a group of jerkoffs trying to wrest the Big Mac from my hand because some 10 year-old kid in Mississippi weighs 245 pounds and eats at McDonald's.

The do-gooders may have different agendas. But they're all the same species: selfrighteousicus-busybodicus.

Sensible people, like those who read this blog, have triumphed over past armies of do-gooders like those above. But we have a strategic problem: We win the battles, but not the war. These damn do-gooders never die. They're like those aliens in science fiction movies: when you cut them in half, the two halves come to life as half-pint aliens, which become full-size as they feed on human flesh. Some of them can get as big as Michael Moore. Incidentally, I'm developing a theory in which Michael Moore isn't an individual do-gooder. Rather, he's a conglomerate of 5 do-gooders who've rolled themselves into a ball -- much like that Transformer Robot that's actually 5 different robots hooked together. Ralph Nader and that guy who wrote "Supersize Me" form either buttocks, and Jane Fonda composes most of the abdomen with her gash as the navel. But I digress.

Attention, Do-Gooder: The bumper sticker reads, "If you're against abortion, don't have one."

Well, if you're against Big-Macs, don't eat one. If you're against cigarettes, don't smoke one. If you're against SUVs, don't drive one. If you're against rich people, don't be one. And if you and I are in an elevator together, don't rip one.






7 comments:

Toni said...

Remember how the Decepticons had Devastator, a huge ass robot made of 6 separate robots that were construction vehicles? So what would Michael Moore be called if he were like that?

Jack Mercer said...

Yep, its the self-righteous that always know whats best for everybody else--but the first to whine when someone uses the same tactics and self-righteousness to impose on them. I guess that why Jesus often referred to self-righteous with the follow-up: HYPOCRITS!

Truly righteous, my brutha!

Misty said...

Very interesting thoughts. Keep up the good thoughts!

darthmoridin said...

I like the theory, but I think that Michael Moore is more like a living Katamari Damacy, he keeps getting bigger as he rolls around.

On the general subject, I think these people should be forced to wear signs:

I BELIEVE
IN NO PERSONAL
RESPONSIBILITY
(PLEASE KICK ME IN THE NUTS)

Wyatt Junker said...

Saint Michael Moore of Large Goiter has enough cleavage to have a second ass on his 5th chin. They say God owns the cattle on a thousand hills. With Mischa, the proverb translates into only one cow, one very large cow, yet oddly same number of hills in Aramaic.

Teaspoon said...

Self-rightous do-gooder shirt:
NOT ONLY DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU OR THE REST OF THE WORLD AS WELL AS I DO;
I AM GOING TO KEEP TELLING YOU HOW BAD YOU ARE.

Useful Idiots said...

I like Teaspoons comment.It sums up all that the loony left stands for.