My 6-step self-help guide

I was saving these pearls for a paperback book. But knowledge like this is too important to keep a secret. That's why I'm posting my 6-step method to self-improvement right here on my blog. So here they are. Advice on your career, your social life, finances, goals, social responsibility and physical fitness, respectively. Enjoy!

  1. Forget college -- unless you enjoy paying student loans by titty-dancing at the Jug Shack. You don't have to look far to find a college graduate slaving for chump change. Disillusionment is the fate of every idealistic college kid (and perhaps a case of the clap). Think of how much sleep you'll get while everybody else is learning useless crap in their 08:10 Social Science class.
  2. You ARE the center of the universe -- but nobody else cares. So you might as well stop acting like you are the center of the universe anyway. I know MTV Real World actors get a soapbox for a television season, but in the REAL Real World, nobody gives a shit. You could drop dead tomorrow and everybody would mistake you for a new speedbump.
  3. Forget 401-k's -- I used to max out mine. But that was back in the day when 30% annual returns were a disappointment. Then I woke up in 2001 and I had a 201-k. Nowadays, most people's 401-ks, when redeemed, will finance the cable bill for about 3 months. Maybe get you an I-Pod. Both are good investments. Remember, odds are you'll be to old, sick and miserable to enjoy a wealthy retirement anyway.
  4. Decide what you want out of life -- but be prepared to negotiate, by which I mean lower your standards. A lot. If you're holding out for a Porsche, start thinking, "Yugo" quickly, beofre you're disappointed. Also, you can attract a spouse TODAY if you're willing to entertain a less-attactive person.
  5. Forget voting, but don't forget to complain -- It's more satisfying to criticize the state of affairs than participate in a political system that'll screw you no matter who you vote for, anyway. If you vote, you have to blame yourself. If you don't, it's everybody elses fault. Forget giving to charities, too. Remember, you're as big a charity case as anybody. Might as well cut out the middle man.
  6. Exercise brings no guarantees -- but sloth pays off every time you try it. The same thing goes for mind-altering substances. Abstaining may get you a few more days on earth. Maybe it won't. But start adding up all the pleasant buzzes you'll miss. Have a drink.


Lizabeth said...

Good stuff to know. I'll keep your advice in mind. I could have used it though before I acrued 31K in student loans and now make less than that a year, hmmm. I thought college grads were supposed to be millionaires. All I learned was how to drink, date and take naps. Oh yeah and how to stay warm when you're walking a mile home from the bar in below freezing temps with a light jacket on only because you didn't want to ruin the look of your hot little tank top.

Molicious said...

I am still under the belief that I AM the center of the universe. I am currently going to college part time but I am refusing to take out student loans. I may be 40 before I get my Bachelors degree but I'm hoping I won't be up to my eyeballs in debt. Great site by the way.

Blog ho said...

It's official. I love you. Please guide me sensei. I need financial advice.

Wyatt Junker said...

College, at least the multilevel marketing side of it, is nothing other than a ponzi scheme for parents with guilty consciences wanting their lil' Johnny to get what they never got, not knowing that what they never got isn't to be found in a classroom.

I'm just fortunate to have paid off my s. loans 4 years ago.

And no, I'm not doing what my cute diploma says I know so much about. Fuck that. I know how to lick vaginas and drink without dying. Thanks easter bunny...I mean, uh, college.

You've Got What I Need... said...

I was steared away from going to graduate school by the best college professor ever.

I got "A's" in all his classes for a reason yo.

Latigo Flint said...

Genius LBB!!!

(You've just described 7 year olds by the way, and they're the happiest little shits out of all of us on this miserable rock.)