1/28/2005

Weekend tidings

Pour a drink. Relax. Contemplate the weekend. And enjoy these random musings:

  • I wish alcohol came in pill form.
  • If I were a military general during the Iron Age, I wouldn't bring swords and crossbows. I'd just bring a big ole, horse-drawn magnet and drag it across the battle field. That would suck up the whole lot of human tin cans. Just imagine if Gandolf would have conjured up a big magnet. The Lord of the Rings trilogy would have taken a mere 20 minutes.
  • Call me a sick bastard, but when I get delayed in traffic due to an accident, I want to see a torso in the ditch.
  • There's no hope for a species that invented the iron maiden.
  • You know that cartoon dog, McGruff, who implores you to take a bite out of crime? I don't think Mike Tyson or Marv Albert should watch that cartoon.
  • The ancient Egyptians enslaved thousands of people who spent their entire existence building stone pyramids for a single monarch to live in -- after he dies. Now there's a country that needs a "separation of church and state" clause in the hieroglyphics!
  • Failed invention: the boomerang-shaped bullet.
  • Do you think Microsoft was trying to make a statement on modern society when they named their font "New Times Roman?"
  • We just spent 6 billion dollars to look at the surface of Mars. I could have told you exactly what it looked like: rocks and dust. In fact, that's what EVERY planet looks like. Are you listening, NASA! Why do they put cameras on those landers anyway? I think Star Trek gave the false impressions that all those female aliens are hotties.
  • Gays in the military? No way. I have nothing against gays. I think they're wonderful people. But gays in the military is impractical. These guys fret when their shoes don't match their belts. We're supposed to believe they'll don camouflage?
  • It helps to smoke a fattie before reading this last one. I'll wait. You're back? O.k. A noun is a person, place or thing. A verb is a thing. Therefore, a verb is a noun. Whoa.

23 comments:

You've Got What I Need... said...

I'm with you about everything else but this: A verb is an agent of action, silly, not a thing.

Thoughtful ponderings for a thoughtless weekend.
Have a good one LBB.

Quixotic Cat said...

Give me some of those pills and one of those magnets, and head me towards the highway! Mua Ha Ha... Talk about a traffic jam!

To YGWIN: Please show me where the verb is in this sentence.

In the above sentence the word verb is a noun..... :)

I was punished a lot in English.... this stuff has been burnt into my little brain =^..^=

bullish1974 said...

"I wish alcohol came in pill form." -- i immensely love this idea. if this becomes a reality, this world will be a better place to live in.

Anti-Blogger said...

This was so well done that I will not even attempt a witty comment. Good job!

Punkin said...

A verb is a noun?! Dude...if I could even begin to understand that my head would explode...

Blog ho said...

God damn you for fucking school house rock for me.

You've Got What I Need... said...

Fun with grammar! MEOW!

You all IS so fantastic, and I stand corrected:

A verb is a noun.

WOW. What dork faces we all are... good times, good times.

NOW DIAGRAM THAT SENTENCE FOR ME!
(in S-V-DO please, thank you.)


wait, I take that back.

GO GET A DRINK, AND PUNCH IT BACK!

phew, there. That's more like it.

I've gotta go get liquored up, as it's friday night.

Wyatt Junker said...

Your hippocampus is clicking at an amazing rate of speed. I'd suggest mezcal, but then, that would put you into overdrive.

BTW, I watched 2 Towers again last night. A magnet eh? You would have been one of Sauron's most ambitious imps. I salute you(with my cock).

Useful Idiots said...

I just finished 6 margaritas while I let the profundity of your "verb is a noun" conclusion sink in. HELP !!!!

Nettie said...

Why a torso? What's wrong with other gruesome body parts?

Wyatt Junker said...

Good point Ned.

Any limb will suffice.

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Bill Hicks said "Anyone DUMB enough to want to be in the military should be allowed in."

If you used magnets to stop an army, how would you get into your refrigerator?

When I get delayed in traffic, I want to kick open a previously nonexistent sunroof, stand up though it, and fire rocket-propelled grenades at the party responsible, or everybody, while yelling "Suck my Fallujah!"

But I don't. I turn on the radio and eat candy.

Jack Mercer said...

Jack would like to offer you a job, Bug.

sCruuw said...

I wish alcohol came in pill form ... it does...ala percocet, percodan, vicodan, oxycontin, oxycodone,hydrocodone,lortab,lorcet.....


I wish I was a pharmacist!

sCruuw said...

There is nuthing 'dumb' about being in the military!

Lizabeth said...

That was great! My Sat night would have made you proud. Needless to say I think I ruined a shirt. I'll probably write about it today. Oh and isn't it "Times New Roman" hmmm, computer geeks unite!

citygurl said...

a verb is an action...which I guess could be a thing...which I guess could be a noun...hmmm, maybe I need another toke?

dayna said...

LMAO. Alcohol in pill form wouldn't work. Its that gradual building up to drunk thats nice. Could they manage that with a pill? Would a time released pill do the trick I wonder?

Teaspoon said...

Dude what are you talking about, of course all female aliens are hot. And even more amazing is that all of them seem to be sexually compatable for human males.

Victoria said...

Or cigarette in pill form. That would be nice..

Blog ho said...

that would be nice! even though i quit smoking. but i didn't quit pills.

sCruuw said...

Time relaease...yes! yes! they have that that would be called Oxycontin... or Phentanol Patches...some peeps 'eat' those patches....I have seen it! This friend of my old room mate's did it this summer...he laid on the deck with him mouth open during a rain storm! He couldnt move...but was able to talk...dude was definately in Jamaica on vacation in his head! I thought he was gonna drown...the other one kept wanting to go driving...but he couldn't open his eyes! He couldn't even hold the ps2 key pad! They were fucked up beyond belief!

sCruuw said...

I recommend oxycontin 40's for a rush that keeps on rushin! for a good 12 hours...its sweet....