- I wish alcohol came in pill form.
- If I were a military general during the Iron Age, I wouldn't bring swords and crossbows. I'd just bring a big ole, horse-drawn magnet and drag it across the battle field. That would suck up the whole lot of human tin cans. Just imagine if Gandolf would have conjured up a big magnet. The Lord of the Rings trilogy would have taken a mere 20 minutes.
- Call me a sick bastard, but when I get delayed in traffic due to an accident, I want to see a torso in the ditch.
- There's no hope for a species that invented the iron maiden.
- You know that cartoon dog, McGruff, who implores you to take a bite out of crime? I don't think Mike Tyson or Marv Albert should watch that cartoon.
- The ancient Egyptians enslaved thousands of people who spent their entire existence building stone pyramids for a single monarch to live in -- after he dies. Now there's a country that needs a "separation of church and state" clause in the hieroglyphics!
- Failed invention: the boomerang-shaped bullet.
- Do you think Microsoft was trying to make a statement on modern society when they named their font "New Times Roman?"
- We just spent 6 billion dollars to look at the surface of Mars. I could have told you exactly what it looked like: rocks and dust. In fact, that's what EVERY planet looks like. Are you listening, NASA! Why do they put cameras on those landers anyway? I think Star Trek gave the false impressions that all those female aliens are hotties.
- Gays in the military? No way. I have nothing against gays. I think they're wonderful people. But gays in the military is impractical. These guys fret when their shoes don't match their belts. We're supposed to believe they'll don camouflage?
- It helps to smoke a fattie before reading this last one. I'll wait. You're back? O.k. A noun is a person, place or thing. A verb is a thing. Therefore, a verb is a noun. Whoa.
Pour a drink. Relax. Contemplate the weekend. And enjoy these random musings: