2/22/2005

The best job in the world: US Senator

The best job on the planet is US Sentaor. It's not because of the power, the prestige, the ability to serve your fellow man, or the bright-eyed, naive interns worshiping your dried-up, wrinkly ass. Those things are just the gravy. They're enticing perks, but the reason US Senator is the coolest job in the world can be expressed in a single word: filibuster.

When I first heard the word "filibuster" on C-Span news, I figured it was a skate board stunt gone awry and resulting in a testicular injury. Having Googled the term, I can assure the reader it is not. Part of me is disappointed because "filibuster" would be great term for a wayward skateboard in the crotch. But I digress. A filibuster is a device by which a US Senator constipates the legislative process by blabbering about whatever he wants. And here's the sweet part of the deal: all the other Senators have to stop whatever they're doing and wait for the filibuster to conclude -- all the while feigning interest in whatever poppycock is being said. In this sense, the 99 other Senators are kind of like the guy on a first date with a margarita-soaked co-ed majoring in women's studies.

I'd sure like to be able to drop a filibuster at my job. It would be my pleasure. When the boss marched in the office demanding higher productivity, I'd stand up, clear my throat, and launch into an 8-hour soliloquy on how hemp products are superior to synthetic fabrics. When a colleague confronted me with my shoddy work ethic, I'd treat her to every possible conjegation of the word "cunt" I could think of: cuntology, cuntlike, cuntlicious, cuntdom, cuntitude, etc. Or I would read my dirty haikus. Or better yet, I'd recite the dialogue that angry black guy says in that movie, "Pulp Fiction." Everybody would have to wait until I was damn good and ready to stop blabbering jibberish. And as my regular readers know, I'm chock full of it. I might even put in some overtime at work, as long as I have my trusty filibuster by my side.

Yep, the filibuster's one Cool Hand Luke. But that's not all there is to being a Senator. I'd enjoy having the national Social Security fund as my own, personal petty cashbox. At my current job, I practically have to go down on the boss for a stapler. But if I get elected to the Senate, I could wipe myself with hundred-dollar bills, compliments of Joe Q. Taxpayer. And I would, too. I figure if the toilet seat nestling my buttocks cost $600, the paper cruising my sphincter ought to be worth a cool hundred. Just imagine the look on Benjamin Franklin's face. Put that in your Poor Richard's Almanac, Ben!

I think I could hook this Senate thing up, too. Look at some of the people who've become Senators. There's Al Gore. Al Gore is the active ingredient in Tylenol PM. Boring! You've got Dan Quayle. Remember him? Can he even spell "filibuster?" If Dan Quayle were to conduct a filibuster, he'd read the back of a box of Count Chocula -- slowly. And of course, you've got Hillary Clinton. Hey, how can half a million New York freak lesbian socialists be wrong? Hillary's about as endearing as Bengay on a fresh case of jock itch. If I make it to the Sentate, I'm going to wear my finest suit, slap on some Brut cologne and suavely ask Hillary if she's looking for a little revenge. Wink, wink.

Finally, I like the fact that I'll have 99 other people to blame when I screw up. That's the kind of security blanket I need to thrive at my job. How hard would it be to pin your average Congressional fuck-up on that deadbeat drunk, Ted Kennedy? Lack of accountability is a must for any job I apply for.

If you live in AZ, vote LBB in 2008.

22 comments:

Belle said...

Can I be you Campaign manager....you sexy blogger you....that could be a great campaign ad...

Lighting bug butt...the best blogger around....woooohhhooo...VOTE FOR HIM...

nongirlfriend said...

You've got my votes, baby.

poopie said...

Well Senator Bug....you've made MY day :)

Molicious said...

I would so totally vote for you.

Useful Idiots said...

Got the hots for Hillary eh? hmmmmmmm. Here all along I thought filibuster was taken a piss in a pair of buster brown shoes.

Bookfraud said...

you don't even need to yak to filibuster anymore. you just sign a document. bullshit.

as long as we're on hillary and ted and dan q., let's not forget the senator from s. carolina who thinks gays should be shot, the former nevada senator who once worried about "nuclear suppositories" in his state, and rick santorum, who is SO gay but just doesn't know it. LBB in '06 -- sounds just like lyndon baines butthole.

Bloogers Byline said...

by the goll i got a mind ta immygrate ta Arizony.if ya need any help with them naive interns ol Bloogers your man. hoooo haaah!

Saucy Monk said...

nicely done. You've convinced me. I no longer believe the best job in the world is in 'Research and Development with the Institute of Professional Handjobs'.

Blog ho said...

I would prefer to be taste tester at a winery. Then every morning I could tell people, "Sorry, I was drunk."

Gil The Carnie said...

Filibuster! Oh God... thas jus so... skateboard nads... beautiful... I can'... I jus wet ma'self.

sCruuw said...

I am sure there is a filibuster skateboard trick...let me call up Bam....

You've Got What I Need... said...

Didn't filibustering start in English Parliment?

A vote for LBB is a vote in the right direction. Support Your Local Butt!

hehehehee...

Me=nerdhead

And HO, don't you get to tell people that one anyway?

darthmoridin said...

You go on bustin' tha filies, LBB. Keep on keepin' it real.

Latigo Flint said...

Epic post LBB. That right there is pretty damn near perfection.

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

My former Senator, Peter Fitzgerald, held a monumental filibuster session during his one-term tenure in the Senate.

I agreed with him, too, on whatever the issue was. I can't remember.

I'm sure my new Senator, Barack Obama, will bust some fili pretty soon, as soon as he breaks in his posh toilet seat.

The other fellow from IL, Dick Durbin, probably can't perform this feat on account of his name. Dick's Filibuster just doesn't sound dignified enough for the hallowed halls of DC.

Ari said...

"If I make it to the Sentate, I'm going to wear my finest suit, slap on some Brut cologne and suavely ask Hillary if she's looking for a little revenge. Wink, wink."

That shit cracks me up. :)

Sean said...

Filibuster, I always thought it was an act of violence against them, and by them I mean the filipinos. One day we'll all be senator and we can filibuster everything. Reduce taxes, sign the kyoto Protocol and tar and feather Bill O'Reilly? Hell naw, filibuster that ass! Then I can explain, in intricate detail, how one would crip walk down Crenshaw BLVD while lipsinking to an Ashlee Simpson track... as she would do.

aughra said...

You know what else is cool about being in the Senate? Quorums:

http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/topstory2/1906120

Jack Mercer said...

Brilliant, Bug. The Snipet needs your talent!

Nettie said...

I think I'd be afraid of your filibusters.

Mike R. said...

LBB- Sir you are a genius. There is no other way to describe a man who has made parliamentary procedure fun and exciting.
Do you think when Ted Kennedy is going to filibuster something he has John Kerry hold his balls for safe keeping.
"Here Senator hold on to these while I filibuster No co-ed/Child Left Behind in any rivers/creeks."

(think Mayor Quimby's voice from the Simpsons)

great post man, great, great, great (if I type great one more time maybe I will start filibustering).

Konservative Jay said...

I was going to help you out bro, but you hated on Dan Quayle. I'm from northeast Indiana, how dare you hate on Quayle. How. Dare. You.