2/04/2005

Bible Royalties

Why doesn't The Bible have a slip-on cover like the other hardcover books you buy? You know what I'm talking about? That sleeve that slips over the cover that has "About the Author" and peer reviews and stuff.

About the Author

Jesus lives in heaven with millions of His children and His Lord, God. His best-selling book, The Bible, has sold millions of copies and has been translated into almost every surviving language. In his spare time, He enjoys carpentry, healing the sick, and blogging. His lastest work, The Bible Part 2, will be in Barnes and Noble everywhere during the Second Coming.


I know Jesus is a great Guy, and very forgiving. It's kind of His schtick. But He's got to be pissed that He's not getting any royalties for The Bible. That book has sold a bunch of copies. It's second only to Michael Jackson's Thriller. You know the corporate swine who cheated Jesus out of His royalties have a first-class direct flight to Hell. I say good!

I know David must be pissed, too. He wrote a whole chapter of The Bible and he hasn't seen any bling bling, either. Although we can all see HIS bling on that Michaelangelo statue. At least David got that. But still, Jesus, David and the rest of the Bible collaborators should have had a better agent. Ten percent is standard for a best-selling novel.

I hope Jesus writes another book. He worte that huge best seller, and then He disappeared into obscurity, just like J.D. Salinger. I think he's got a couple more top-10's in him, even if the New York Times refuses to review His work.

23 comments:

Darlene said...

Hi,

I came through Nettie's blog. How do people like you think this stuff up? It was very funny! Man, I am a book designer you think that would have crossed my mind. I wish I had thought of it first. The little bling bling was a bit graphic, but nevertheless a little bling, can bring on a big chuckle.

Blog ho said...

i'm a book designer too...no, wait. i'm not. but it is an envious idea, you cunt.

Stace said...

Hey if Tupac can still come out with CD's I am sure Jesus can come back and write a Bible Part II!!

*side note* intern for medical assisting. Thanks for stopping by.

nongirlfriend said...

Fuck. Jesus is gonna get you, man.

Well, not really. Jesus is just all right with me. And with you, too.

.M i k a l a h. said...

How do you come up with this stuff!
Haha!
Wicked Post!:)

Molicious said...

I believe Jesus lives in heaven with his Lord/Dad. Just thought I would clarify.

You've Got What I Need... said...

You're missing the BIG picture here. JHC gets to be all seeing and all knowing. I bet he makes a KILLING on the stock market, and then there's all the crying he gets to do whilest watching you people at your sinning. That's got to be worth a little green lost on royalties, yo.

Sin, sin, sinning sinners the lot of you!

yippie.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Bravo! YGWIN. I hadn't thought of that!

bullish1974 said...

i got scared by YGWIN's comment. seriously.

Cindy-Lou said...

I always make jesus cry. I'm bad.

Anti-Blogger said...

How do you come up with this stuff? I think you steal it from me! Wait...nevermind...I thought you were someone else.

Jack Mercer said...

Jesus, being a personal friend of mine, figured that info, like the net, should be free, Bug. Just like the LBB that will one day be canonized, the Bible is gratis. Its the only free lunch we'll ever have. Graze daily.

Nettie said...

I'd like to think God has more to worry about than royalties...

sCruuw said...

Bibles are the blingest of books...

You've got the gold edged pages...very bling

Supple leather bound with cool zipper!... red, black, blue and white to accessorize

You can buy pieces of it...'teasers',(like The Green Mile) - Old Testiment(Before the Christ), New Testiment(After the Christ)(Psalms(for the poets) ,Proverbs(for enlightening), Revelations(For the science fiction/horror/Acid Trippers) Clearly fans of Pink Floyd, will "lurve" Revelations!

~kimberly~ said...

oh my. oh no. now ya did it. You said "Barnes and Noble" thats second only to Godiva. Oh..oh..yesssss, oh GOD, MMMMMMMM...YESS!!!!! *blinks* Where is all that crying coming from?

aughra said...

Word to YGWIN about the bling of Bibles. Also, bible accessories. Christian stores sell special hi-lighters for 'bible study'. Don't use that marker for your bio text, kiddo, it's for the BIBLE! Also, I love those leather, embroidered or fuzzy Bible covers. They are zippered, and usually with a handle, so the word of God is portable and protected.


I want to make one for whatever book I am currently reading at the time, that says 'Burn this' or 'Unclean' or something.

Off to the patent office....

poopie said...

My Bible is duct taped together...and I reckon Jesus is happy 'bout that :)

maria said...

if there is a jesus, the last thing he would care about is anything monetary, but it would be hilarious if this were something he's be pissed about. it would make a lot of people second guess a billion things.
http://wickedridiculous.blogspot.com/

~kimberly~ said...

Oh, and ...

Im Offended !! Take it down. Right. Now. Thats obscene, and I am very upset. Very. Upset.

Toni said...

Man, when I was in Rome a few years back, I'd see these souveneir aprons with the picture of the lower half of David and the inscription, "OH...DAVID!"


Picture a bunch of old American white lady tourists buying and wearing these aprons in their homes because they think it's so "Italian".

Yeah I know...ew.

8ZERO8 said...

I've been trying to talk my wife into naming our kid Jesus. We would pronounce it "hey-seus," of course, but she's not going for it.

~*~*Magnolia*~*~ said...

Bibles rock. Guess what color mine is.... PURPLE! That's right, I've got the only purple leather bible in the world. That'll bring in some bling bling off eBay.

Kilroy Trout said...

Jesus owes me $10.00.