2/25/2005

Bite-size morsels from a lightning bug's butt

  • I could spell every word in the English language correctly if it weren't for that gaddamn schwa.
  • If you work from home and call in sick, do you have to go outside?
  • I was going to start a political blog, but I get enough death threats with my musings.
  • For my money, the hardest job in the world (except, perhaps, jizz mopper at a porn shop) is a deejay for a classical radio station. No tour dates. All the artists are already dead. Not exactly the kind of listeners who appreciate innuendo or prank phone calls. So what do you talk about? The various flavors of Grey Poupon Mustard?
  • When I eat diet food, I look at the calories I'm saving, calculate the ratio, invert the faction and then eat however many diet foods to make up for the difference. For example, if a diet brownie has 1/3 the calories of a normal brownie, I jam down three of them and call it even. That's why it's important to learn fractions in school.
  • You know those books that give you recipies for alcoholic beverages. I think a cool title for one of those be "Behind Bars."
  • Just remember: any over-the-counter medication can become a prescription-strength medication if you're willing to exceed the recommended dosage.
  • Have you heard somebody ask, "If the crucified Jesus, what chance do I have?" Well, the answer is, a pretty good one. You see, Jesus was the son of God. He embodied a religion, a code of ethics, a movement against the pagans of his time. You're a clerk at Kinkos; nobody gives a shit whether you live or die. You're not worth the wood.
  • When a deaf man reads poetry, can he tell how well it rhymes?
  • Many cosmetic procedures take on a nationality. You have the Sweedish massage, the French manicure, and of course, the Brazilian bikini wax. Here are a few imported cosmetic procedures I wouldn't have done to me: WW II-era German Botox Injection, a Puerto Rican Embalming, an Arab stoning massage, or a Colombian neck shave.
  • I wasn't the most popular guy in high school. If my school were The Beatles, I was Ringo Starr: Nobody minded if I hung out, but if I left, nobody would miss me.
  • If I were a cloud, I'd do more than just drift by being all fluffy and pretty. I'd form myself into a dirty picture, like a pair of boobs or a old guy's butt. And if I were flexible enough, I'd twist myself into an obscene hand gesture or spell a dirty word. Or, I'd shape myself into an incoming missile.
  • You know those water jugs you see at contruction sites? I like to spike one with laxative. It's fun to watch. At least they'll do something productive during all those coffee breaks.

24 comments:

Osbasso said...

The best part of being a classical music DJ is that most of the music lasts at least 30 minutes. Queue up a couple of symphonies, grab the jazz DJ, and head down to the strip club for a quick lap dance. Or make fun of the rock guys who have to be "on" all the time.

Konservative Jay said...

I think I lost you a reader...My bad.

Nettie said...

What, you don't like death threats or something?

Bookfraud said...

man, don't you know ringo was the evil genius that made the beatles work? sitting back there, playing drums like he was in rigor mortis, he was smart enough to let john paul and george make him a billionaire. he's the replacement beatle. nobody would have missed him but john and paul because they didn't need someone really talented like pete best competing them for attention.

poopie said...

Bug...you're very BAD. In a very GOOD way :)

Sean said...

When someone named Poopie gives you a compliment, you know you're the shit!

Stace said...

Sean that was funny about Poopie, but yes LBB, you are one hell of a funny character. I have to pee, but now I have to GO REAL BAD. *kisses*

You've Got What I Need... said...

"Behind Bars"? Please tell me that you have a book suggestion for Prison Culinary Recipes next.... please? I'll love you forever and ever and ever (in a total mates way, yo).

Toni said...

Bug, your random thoughts are what keeps me coming back to your blog. That and the fact that your username has the word "butt" in it.

Alice the Raven said...

Now, if a tree farts in the woods, am I a redneck?

Bennet said...

Spiking water jugs on construction job can also be funny if you spike it with Viagra. Watch them limp/run to the port-a-cans because they don't seem you understand why they've got a hard on standing around a bunch of guys. It really messes with their mind.

nongirlfriend said...

I always put the laxatives in brownies I bring to work. Never thought about spiking the water.

Julie said...

You could be a sexy woman cloud looming forever in front of the justice bldg while ashcroft tried in vain to cover you up, and you mocking them w/ sexy positions

Blog ho said...

Good cloud idea. I'd probly be an alien death ray. But when I fired it would be only water.

dayna said...

Brilliant, I love if it when you write these kinds of posts. I've been really thinking about the deaf man one...Does a deaf man "hear" in his head? I want this one pursued , okay? Can any deaf people answer this? I'm thinking about the deaf person that has never been able to hear. The answer must be "no", he can't tell if it rhymes.

Anonymous said...

No one told me I could eat 3 brownies to one...damn it....

Belle said...

the above comment was me ponti....smooches

Ari said...

Man, I LOVE the brownie fraction calculations... you are an unfettered flag of genius just a-flying aloft in blogworld.

Ari said...

You should do standup.

Punkin said...

Hi, my beloved Ponti. Great as usual :) Magnolia and I are back on eBloggy.

maverickpunkin.ebloggy.com
bttrflykiss621,ebloggy.com

I post there now...you were the only one to read my blog here anyway. Love ya!

Lizabeth said...

Another great musing post. I agree with the calorie counting, its like buying clothes on sale, you just buy more to spend the amount of money you would have if you payed full price. Does that makes sense? Hmmm probably not, anyway, I have shopping on the brain.

sCruuw said...

i moved my blog addy to www.scruuw.blogspot.com....

citygurl said...

I hate that god damned shwa myself...and yeah, no arab stoning massages for me neither. But the death threat thing, that doesn't sound too bad ;)

bullish1974 said...

"If my school were The Beatles, I was Ringo Starr" -- that's me! that's me!