2/09/2005

A fresh batch of homemade musings

My last couple of posts came off a bit pretentious, so I baked up these simple, homemade musings using my secret recipe. Eat them while they're still warm!

  • Why does music sound so much better when you're drinking? I swear I could become a Barry Manilow fan if I drank enough alcohol.
  • I like Protestants. Basically, they're saying: “Look. God's only son, Jesus, was tortured and crucified for our sins. If you don't believe that, you'll burn in a fiery damnation for eternity. But gee whiz! Let's not take things too seriously.” And by the way, why do we drop to our knees to pray? If you want to show God your conviction, do a headstand.
  • You know that expression where you ask somebody who doesn't get what you're saying, “Do I have to draw you a diagram?” I'll bet Leonardo Da Vinci said that a lot. “Take a look at this drawing, here. It's called a water screw. This is what I was trying to tell you about, you dumb dago bastard.”
  • You would think that people with shitbox cars would be the first to tint their windows. I know if I drove a '74 Pinto with a broken tail light, I'd want to remain anonymous.
  • Technology being what it is, I think car horns should say actual words instead of just beeping. And just like ring tones for your phone, you could download different phrases depending how things are going on your daily commute. “Nice turn signal, jerkoff.”
  • Why do gay celebrities like Ellen receive so many accolades for “coming out,” like they're pioneers. Didn't these critics see Culture Club back in 1982? Boy George must be screaming at his television, “Hello?” In fact, anyone who thinks gayness has just stepped out of the closet wasn't watching MTV in the early 1980s. And they sure didn't catch a performance by Menudo. Hell, A Flock of Seagulls “came out” 5 times a day on MTV alone.
  • What's so special about Special K cereal? It has no fruity flavors. It doesn't snap, crackle or pop. It has no marshmallows shaped into charms or monsters. I've never found a toy in the bottom of the box. From where I'm standing it looks like a pretty goddamn regular K. And get this. I opened the box: no Ks! Not even an ordinary K. Just a bunch of flakes. They ought to rename the cereal “Another Box of Ordinary Flakes.”
  • Speaking of cereal, just remember, kids: Any flaked cereal can be “Frosted Flakes” if you add enough sugar.
  • I worry we're encouraging cannibalism in kids by feeding them Flintstone vitamins. By the way, you know who probably has a lot of trouble eating Flintones? Those people who survived that plane crash in the Andes mountains. You know, the ones who had to eat the dead to survive? “Ah. If I've got to eat one more person, I'm gonna puke -- even if it is just a multi-vitamin.” I suppose we could use gingerbread men and Flintstones to curb cannibals off of people. And maybe some lady fingers.
  • My wife just informed me she gave up intercourse for Lent. I informed her that I'll be fucking her in the ass for the next 40 days. Everybody wins!

20 comments:

Stace said...

No sex for Lent, nope couldn't do it, that is why I didn't give it up. I would sin everyday. :(
Had an 87 Cavalier back in the day those windows were tinted TO THE MAX!! "keep on keeping on" :-)

L.I. Ang said...

Obscenely outrageous. Funny fella, you. Will bookmark this blog.

nongirlfriend said...

I absolutely LOVE you!

And I'd propose, except you're married and I don't believe in matrimony.

So you and Blog Ho can be my Cocks. It's the year for it, anyway.

Gil The Carnie said...

Mmmm, jus' like moms used ta' make.

Osbasso said...

Not in a thousand years could I come up with the shit that you seem to on a regular basis! Is it because of excessive use of drugs as a youngster? Were you struck by lightning at some point? Is it something in your diet? Whatever it is, keep it up!!

Blog ho said...

Ok. I had my comment picked out midway down, "that would be sweet to be Leonardo Da Vinci." lame, i know. then the last bullet got me. down here. deep down. thank you.

bullish1974 said...

another killer list from LBB! you and blog ho (the ultimate cunt) should be the greatest tag team ever.

sCruuw said...

Bug Butt,

I'f I was a guy...and my woman gave up intercourse for lent. I'd be getting blowjobs, icksnay on a the assholeyA.

Nettie said...

That's cool that you like me and my people, LBB! That's a good question about why we are on our knees praying. To answer you seriously, I think it's because we want to humble ourselves before God, so we get down on our knees to show it. How's that?

citygurl said...

no sex for lent. that's just wrong. people go to hell for that you know!

Bennet said...

If I were a real prankster working at the Kelloge's factory I'd sneak a few "special k's" into the boxes, and if caught I'd explain to the upper management:" I just thought we were ripping people off."

Jack Mercer said...

Good grief, Bug...you outstrip Confucious by miles, man!

Hard to believe this comes from a single mind!

KFarmer said...

Ahhh…finally. A chief extraordinaire. I enjoyed every bite.

Wyatt Junker said...

I liked the Flinstone methodone treatment for cannibals to help them come down off their blood-lusting highs.

I always eat my gingerbread men as if they were still alive. My son loves it. I do the Jaws theme music, then I walk Mr. G. Bread around on the table. All of a sudden, I ferociously bite off his brown leg from the femur down, like a pitbull shaking his victim, thrashing my head around and let the rest of the doughy body fall where it may.

I repeat this until all that is left is a head and torso stump and then I very ceremoniously hum Metallica's One song with all the formality of military reveille.

Jeffrey Dahmer would have benefitted richly from such tasty decoys and who knows how many lives would have been saved.

Quixotic Cat said...

You made my day Bug =^..^=

You can always visit me for Lent ;)

Mike R. said...

LBB- That is the funniest stuff on earth man. Great, great post.
I'm going to have to agree with the 'blow job as opposed to back-door' suggestion though.

Molicious said...

Mike: You better agree. That area is EXIT ONLY.

LBB: People should really use the word "dago" more often. Oh and I would totally buy a horn that actually spoke. But it would somehow use the term "dicksmack". I love that word.

Lizabeth said...

Or assbag, I love that one too.

LBB- Now I feel like I copied you cause I did the same thing- musings - today, but mine are put to shame after reading yours. I can't believe you come up with all this on your own!

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

You know those LED banners on bank signs? I'm referring to the ones that have the current time, temperature, and employee of the month scrolling along in green, yellow, or red lights.

I want a smaller one for back of my car. I'll be needing some voice recognition software and instant translation software as well.

Instead a horn that talks, I'll just cut off a shitty driver and my trusty sign will display "You drive like my grandmother" or "Die cold and alone" in English, Spanish, and Polish.

Sharon said...

You, sir, are a genius. You continue to amaze and inspire. I love it.
Keep writing!