- Why does music sound so much better when you're drinking? I swear I could become a Barry Manilow fan if I drank enough alcohol.
- I like Protestants. Basically, they're saying: “Look. God's only son, Jesus, was tortured and crucified for our sins. If you don't believe that, you'll burn in a fiery damnation for eternity. But gee whiz! Let's not take things too seriously.” And by the way, why do we drop to our knees to pray? If you want to show God your conviction, do a headstand.
- You know that expression where you ask somebody who doesn't get what you're saying, “Do I have to draw you a diagram?” I'll bet Leonardo Da Vinci said that a lot. “Take a look at this drawing, here. It's called a water screw. This is what I was trying to tell you about, you dumb dago bastard.”
- You would think that people with shitbox cars would be the first to tint their windows. I know if I drove a '74 Pinto with a broken tail light, I'd want to remain anonymous.
- Technology being what it is, I think car horns should say actual words instead of just beeping. And just like ring tones for your phone, you could download different phrases depending how things are going on your daily commute. “Nice turn signal, jerkoff.”
- Why do gay celebrities like Ellen receive so many accolades for “coming out,” like they're pioneers. Didn't these critics see Culture Club back in 1982? Boy George must be screaming at his television, “Hello?” In fact, anyone who thinks gayness has just stepped out of the closet wasn't watching MTV in the early 1980s. And they sure didn't catch a performance by Menudo. Hell, A Flock of Seagulls “came out” 5 times a day on MTV alone.
- What's so special about Special K cereal? It has no fruity flavors. It doesn't snap, crackle or pop. It has no marshmallows shaped into charms or monsters. I've never found a toy in the bottom of the box. From where I'm standing it looks like a pretty goddamn regular K. And get this. I opened the box: no Ks! Not even an ordinary K. Just a bunch of flakes. They ought to rename the cereal “Another Box of Ordinary Flakes.”
- Speaking of cereal, just remember, kids: Any flaked cereal can be “Frosted Flakes” if you add enough sugar.
- I worry we're encouraging cannibalism in kids by feeding them Flintstone vitamins. By the way, you know who probably has a lot of trouble eating Flintones? Those people who survived that plane crash in the Andes mountains. You know, the ones who had to eat the dead to survive? “Ah. If I've got to eat one more person, I'm gonna puke -- even if it is just a multi-vitamin.” I suppose we could use gingerbread men and Flintstones to curb cannibals off of people. And maybe some lady fingers.
- My wife just informed me she gave up intercourse for Lent. I informed her that I'll be fucking her in the ass for the next 40 days. Everybody wins!
A fresh batch of homemade musings
My last couple of posts came off a bit pretentious, so I baked up these simple, homemade musings using my secret recipe. Eat them while they're still warm!