2/24/2005

Kill your television... right after Baywatch

Being a top-notch blogger means keeping your mind it tip-top shape. For mental fitness, I watch a shitload of TV, day and night. For maximum effect, I watch the same reruns over and over again. I've seen each episode of Friends at least a dozen times, to which I account my last 10 I.Q. points.

Yesterday I was watching a syndicated episode of Baywatch when I accidentally pressed the mute button. It was a shame to miss the adroit dialogue so vital to the show's sophisticated theme and character development. But I digress. Once I pressed the mute button, a closed-captioning scroll appeared. This is what it read:

>> CC activated, Baywatch...

>> [Surf, waves splashing, sea birds chirping]

>> Look! There's some boobs. Oooh. Another pair. I love it when they arrive in tandem. Two pairs of boobs. That makes 4 boobs. And they're nice, too. Just look at those boobs.

>> Boobs, more of them. Boobs. More boobs. And... some more boobs.

>> Boobs again. Boobs. Ooh -- thought I caught a glimpse of a nipple. Boobs.

>> Boobs. Boobs.

>> O.K. The boobs are bouncing. Ooh my. Oh gosh. Yep, the girls are running and the boobs are bouncing... NO! Don't cut to the guy drowning in the ocean. Fuck him! He should have waited an hour after eating that hotdog. Pan back to the boobs!

>> Ah, O.K. We're back to the bouncing boobs.

>> Hey, you at home. Are you looking at those boobs? What are you doing reading me? It's tits-galore on the top half of the screen. What, are you queer? Are you waiting to see a shirtless David Hasselhoff give a tough-love speech to young, male lifeguard? You are, aren't you? Fag! Never mind what I'm typing. Check out those canned goods!

>> I'll bet you're not even deaf. Are you? You really should check out those boobs. The nine deaf guys watching and I are flattered you care, but honestly, check out those fun-pillows. You think the deaf guys are reading this? Hell no! They're deaf, not blind. And they're not queer, like you evidently are. Don't fret. David Hasselhoff will take off his shirt soon, butt pirate.

>> Oh, that's it. Man, that Yasmine Bleeth is such a dirty whore. That's it. Oops, you dropped your life preserver. Better pick it up. Better pick it... Oh, yeah. That's it baby, the knees are locked. That red bathing suit can't quite contain your... Whoa! Damn. Hold on. I've got to clean my keyboard....


Needless to say, I've disabled the Closed-Captioning device on my TV. That guy frightens me a little bit, whoever he is.

24 comments:

sCruuw said...

That sums up every episode of Baywatch fer shizzle!

Blog ho said...

I wasn't aware that anyone watched baywatch w/ the sound on.

~kimberly~ said...

Boobs = 19 times in 1 post.
Impressive, but lopsided, shoulda been 18 or 10, bad bad glowbutt.

;)

Rachel said...

That would be Ho providing the CC for Baywatch. That is how he really makes his living.

Toni said...

Hey now, don't be hating on le Hasselhoff. Don't you know that German people love David Hasselhoff?

At least, that's what Norm McDonald said.

Konservative Jay said...

I'll have to try Baywatch on mute sometime, although I doubt they have any closed captioners that can spell in this area.

nongirlfriend said...

I wish my TV would talk to me. I get so lonely sometimes.

Nettie said...

You know, you can set it so you have the sound and the closed caps on....for maximum enjoyment.

Cindy-Lou said...

Did you ever see that one episode of Baywatch, the one with all the boobs?

poopie said...

Heck yeah...I saw that one!! The one with all the boobs. Great plot, huh?

.M i k a l a h. said...

mmm yay for boobs!

Suzanne said...

...and to think some people even question Pamela's acting skills! What do they know anyways??? oh wait. let me guess. Boobs.

Darlene said...

I wrote a story on boobs one time and I thought I used every possible word in the book for them. But I had never heard of 'canned goods' or 'fluffed pillows'. I should have checked with the expert first! Oh, well, there is always a rewrite.

citygurl said...

hmmm, you've made it very clear to me that us women DO NOT have a sister show to your baywatch. I mean really, I'd love to see some...I don't know, package bouncing around. It's just not fair, i tell you. You get all the ta-ta's, and we get david hasselhoff.

PS--can you name the group that sang "kill your television"?

Alice the Raven said...

I'd love to see it with the sign language dude in the small window.

*man signing grabbing melons*

*man signign hourglass figure*

*man signing hands in front of his chest, making circle motions*

Julie said...

It's fun to turn the sound off to CHIPS also, and make up your own words, like 'hello little boy are you lost, want to take a ride w/ me, I am a highway patrolman pervert w/ great teeth'.

Richelle said...

Thought you were quite funny before but seems that we aren't of the same ilk afterall.....too bad, enjoyed reading your blog there for a while..

Bloogers Byline said...

that there baywatch show sure dont make me laugn er giggle but i sure do titter.......hoooohaaaaa

Mere Existence said...

You know what's interesting?... The acting and writing for Baywatch was as shitty as that of porn movies. And you're watching this shit for the exact same reason that you watch porn. WTF is that about... is anyone even into softcore? Fuck Baywatch... I need sandwich action on the screen.

Lizabeth said...

Who watches Baywatch with the sound on, the boobs are much better than Hasselhoff without a shirt on anyday.

Mike R. said...

The whole show should be in German anyway. The Krauts could understand what Lord David is saying and no one in America would even notice.
Man Gina Lee was hot.

Osbasso said...

Lizbeth confuses me. She keeps making comments on various blogs that would indicate lesbian tendencies. Not that there's anything wrong with that.... But she's rght!

gaeria84 said...

Boob-a-licious! :D

Kilroy Trout said...

Clearly I gave up TV ten years too early.