2/16/2005

The MOTHER LODE of musings. I've been drinkin'

  • Salt-n-Pepper: 1) edible spices; 2) a female hip-hop group (aka “peppa”); 3) a polite euphemism for gray hair.
  • The tool belt is the man's version of the purse. Unfortunately, tool belts go with precious few outings: the hardware store, a construction site, or a Village People concert.
  • If a triangle is a triangle, why isn't a square a quadangle?
  • If you're ever forced to watch gay porn, do what I do. Just pretend the two guys are warming up for a really hot female who's running late.
  • Don't you feel sorry for the one fry that mysteriously shows up in your order of onion rings? Do you think he feels lonely, an outcast? He probably misses all his old friends. I always eat him first to end the misery.
  • You never really have sex. You just borrow it for a little while.
  • Why does the Devil have a pitch fork? Don't you think the Incarnate of Evil should be armed with something more scary than a garden tool? Sweet Jesus! At least give him a weedwhacker or a Garden Weasil. I think thd Devil lost all respect since we named a chocolate cake after him.
  • Disposable dishware, disposable contacts, disposable diapers, disposable dousche bags. Just remember, everything's disposable if you have enough money in the bank.
  • Here's a new bumper sticker: Bloggers do it while masturbating to a computer screen.
  • I don't believe in milkweed. Weeds can't make milk because they don't have titties.
  • I've often fingered a chick. But I've never thumbed one.
  • Twenty-four-hour donut shops are the emergency room of the midnight snackers.
  • My tao on lying: It's alright to tell a lie. Just don't live a lie.
  • The phrase "connect the dots" takes on a whole new meaning in India.
  • Every once in a while you read about some guy who died of a heart attack while having sex. And your workmate goes, “Well, if you've got to go, then that's the way to go.” I agree, but with a caveat: it had better be after I blow my stones, not before. Otherwise, I'm going to be the crankiest guy in heaven.
  • Ponder this: you go to a foreign country and order a domestic beer. Are you drinking a foreign beer, a domestic beer, or an imported beer. And more important, what's the legal age of consent in this country?
  • Few people are aware of the huge gay demographic patronzing the Weenerschnitzel.
  • Why do we find accents so adorable? I've been so entranced with somebody's accent that I've forgotten what they actually asked me. This leaves me in a tight spot when they demand an answer. I find it helpful to divert their attention by professing my hatred for their native land and threatening to strangle them.
  • But again, why are we so in love with accents? Maybe we just like to hear people butcher our native tongue. But if that were true, all the retards and palsies would be the most popular kids in school. Fat chance.

25 comments:

nongirlfriend said...

Again, most brilliant.

I'd propose to you or profess my undying love, but that's not my style. Would you settle for a mastubatory fantasy instead?

Bloogers Byline said...

ol blooger masterbates in charch back pew right next to da door. ya ever notice that you amerks talk funny hooohaaa.......

dayna said...

You are horrible and obnoxious, I can't quite manage to dislike you though. Do you have to be so crude?

My favorite thought...."Why does the Devil have a pitch fork? Don't you think the Incarnate of Evil should be armed with something more scary than a garden tool? Sweet Jesus! At least give him a weedwhacker or a Garden Weasil."

Sean said...

Whose to say the french fry is a him? suppose it's a her in an order of him onion rings? Maybe it's a deep fried veggie train/orgy, that you bring to a quick halt being consumer the lone woman. Now it's a homosexual/Sodom-type affair.

Latigo Flint said...

You are in top form LBB!

To hell with what our AA sponsors say, booze is indeed the spring from which all the best ideas flow.

Molicious said...

LBB, you are greatness. :o)

8ZERO8 said...

I hate blog musings. Unless it's LBB's musings. Hilarious.

~kimberly~ said...

Whatever you were drinking, gimme 2 ;)

Webmiztris said...

lol! this is good stuff. :)

Dawn
webmiztris.diaryland.com

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

A muse on and about alcohol a lot. The most frequest is " How many more of these before I run down a street naked in the middle of winter whistling "Camp Grenada" while wondering what happened to my drink?"

Kilroy Trout said...

Bug this prodigious bloggering must be the result of brain steroids. I encourage you to come clean.

Anonymous said...

Do you suppose the Weenerschnitzel following has anything to do with german porn?....
Good musings...
Sharkmeat out! :)

Denise said...

I'm still trying to get past "all the retards and palsies..." I'm so used to seeing things done up all nice and pc like, it was a shocker.

I can admit it, I laughed anyways.

Rachel said...

Bug, I wanna have your baby.

citygurl said...

nice job...it would take me a month to come up with all that....

You've Got What I Need... said...

Bloggers do what, and are you sure about this?

I'd like to see your research data... he he heee

Alice the Raven said...

I seem to have had the same musings in the altitude chamber with... wait, that was YOU!!!

Punkin said...

Again, sheer perfection.


Though you stole my format, Blogger Valentine :)

Anonymous said...

Fantastic post. I laughed muchly!

Celeste

http://littleolme.blogs.com

Belle said...

Eww...accents do THAT for me...but never thought of it that way....

sCruuw said...

LB BUTT! What's in that drink?

Konservative Jay said...

Haha, great post.

Nettie said...

Because it's fun to imitate their cute accents and thereby be just as cool?

Ari said...

I keep on saying it but damn, you ensue hilarity in my domicile.

Ari said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.