2/11/2005

Movie magic

I'd like to discuss a couple of things that keep happening in movies that bother me. They wouldn't bother me if they only happened once in a while. But they happen far too often. The first is how the good guy in the action films always gets shot -- in the shoulder. The bad guy shoots hundres of bullets at the good guy and, miraculously, only grazes him in the shoulder. So now, the good guy comes off as a brave and rugged hero who takes a bullet for the good fight. At the end of the movie they throw his arm in a sling and he strolls off with the hottie.

But when the good guy shoots the bad guys, every shot is dead center and fatal (a la Latigo Flint), even if he makes the shot with a pistol from 120 yards while summersaulting over a barrel. Come on. That just doesn't happen.

The other thing in the movies that in my opinion is just overdone is the fireplace poker scene. At some point in every horror film the protaginist reaches for a fire poker to defend himself. Why do they always do that? Unless your oppenent is an Ent or is attacking you with a log, the poker won't get you very far.

If I ever get the chance to write a horror film, I'm going to have the guy grab the blower, that thing you squeeze that blows air into the fire. You could really distract an assailant with one of those. Blow that in his face. He'll be stunned and he'll have dry, irritated eyes for several minutes. Perfect if you have to make a getaway. Or else he can grab the log grabber thing that extends when you clamp it shut. You can grab the guy's throat from down the hall and choke the bastard with one of those things. Or you can grab his gun when he least expects it. Imagine how that would embarass him. Then you can grab the phone and call the police without getting up from the couch. The heroes in these horror films need to get more creative.

9 comments:

Osbasso said...

The thing I hate about horror movies is that when the young hottie is about to open the door, you KNOW she's about to be disembowled. How do we know that? Because of the freaky, creepy music leading up to it. What's wrong?? Can't she hear it too?? If I'm ever walking up a dark staircase, and hear high-pitched squeaky violins, I'm outta there!

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I recently watched a horrible miscarriage of a movie titled King Arthur.

The final battle scene was in full swing. The main bad guy and Arthur began to fight. It was a very long fight. After 3 or 4 minutes I turned to my roomate and said:

"Pretty soon now will come the part where King Arthur gets knocked over and the bad guy will move in for the kill, at which time Arthur will roll out of the way, parry the blow, and spring back to his feet and vanquish the scruffy bastard."

That happened 10 seconds after I closed my mouth. We laughed. Oh how we laughed.

What had been a horrible cliche was now painfully funny and also fuel for the notion that I am a genius.

Rachel said...

Os, I don't even need to hear the freaky, creepy music. If its dark and there are weird vibes of any kind...I'm outta there, screw bravery. I like my internal organs right where they are.

But wait...I don't have to worry, I'm not the hottie with the big boobs.

~kimberly~ said...

i will stay and be brave if enough Godiva is at large..otherwise, run or be shot by a guy holding a poker.

Cindy-Lou said...

Poker? I hardly even know her.

Nettie said...

Somehow I think your movies would be truly horrifying, LBB. "'Tis but a scratch!"

Jack Mercer said...

Do you think the log grabber would keep them from coming back alive in the end for a sequel?

Darlene said...

You are exactly right, the typical bullet in the shoulder, boo hoo. I saw an Angelina Jolie film last year, it was unique. She was pregnant and the guy stabbed her stomach. Totally freaked me out, not what I was expecting at all. I don't want to ruin the movie, so that's all I'll say.

Latigo Flint said...

I was too overwhelmed with joy and pride to continue reading - hope the rest of the post was as magnificent as the beginning.