2/08/2005

A queer outing is a gay ole time

Please understand I have no problem with the current sport of “outing” supposed homosexuals from the gallery of historical figures. That is, I begrudge nobody his or her homosexuality. Any man who can satisfy his sexual appetite without women is, in my estimation, lucky. If I begrudge gays anything, it is their capacity for happiness; for they only need induce another man to engage in sexual conduct. A challenge indeed.

But I digress. The merits of homosexuality notwithstanding, I object to the multitude of homosexuals leaping out of the historical closet: Alexander the Great, Newton, Da Vinci, Einstein, Hitler, Shakespeare, Tinky Winky -- all fags, according to homo-intelligentsia. Given enough time, gay advocates will discover every historical figure was, alas, queer. We need only consider the facts. Once we do, the veil of heterosexuality concealing historical figures will vanish faster than Elton John's pants in a bath house.

I don't doubt some of our historical figures were gay. It stands to reason. Gays are passionate and innovative creatures capable of great things. Let not this essay besmirch a single queer nor his contribution to his posterity. But most of these outings -- strangely synchronous with politically correct politics and the prominence of Will and Grace and The DeGeneres Show -- are conjecture. Let me explain.

I wouldn't dare impeach the sincerity of those advocates who assure us most of our historical figures were gay. But zeal and advocacy make one prone to subjective observation. In the extreme, they make one prejudice. I ask my readers to consider all the tights and wigs in history. Of course the men looked queer: they were wearing tights and wigs, and sometimes rouge make-up. A casual trip through a high school history textbook might feature what looks to the modern reader like a drag-queen prom. I saw an artist's rendering of the signing of The Declaration of Independence and I swore I was looking at an excerpt from Queers Gone Wild, The San Fransico Episode. Consider, for example, any production of Romeo and Juliet, written by an alleged homo, Shakespeare. You'll recall the impassioned duel between Mercutio and Tybalt? That was the real “Battle of the Bulge.” The Renaissance Period would have benefited greatly from the jock strap. But I digress.

This is brings me to my point: by viewing history through the prism of modern American culture, everybody from the past looks like a flaming homo. Wigs, tights, rouge, elvish shoes and bulges -- this attire could make Stone Cold Steve Austin look queer. And a flaming queer at that! That sculpted body, that smooth, bronzed skin, angry eyes, posing trunks... ah, but again, I digress.

I implore the reader to consider the mores of history before concluding that each and every prominent figure from our past was a butt pirate. They were, as we will someday be, victims of contemporary fashion.

11 comments:

You've Got What I Need... said...

"Let not this essay besmirch a single queer nor his contribution to his posterity."

By far, the most cleverly smutty comment to date. Can I just say now that you are my hero?

sCruuw said...

Every metal band from the 80's looks queer! ..And with Rob Halford...the obvious eluded all of us...

bullish1974 said...

clever post. truly.

Koonter said...

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funny funny

Molicious said...

I still refuse to believe that Abe Lincoln was gay. No matter how tight his pants were.

Blog ho said...

Very fucking clever. I hope I'm never famous, now. I used to think I'd be famous, but not now.

Lizabeth said...

How eloquent (sp?) you must be gay yourself?

Oh yes, and I was hoping no one noticed my "fluff" during that race. Damn it, you busted me!

nongirlfriend said...

"Not that there's anything wrong with that..."

~kimberly~ said...

Here is my take .... once upon a time, people gasped, pointed and stared when someone announced they are gay. Now, its not *completely* accepted by everyone, but its definately mainstream and sometimes "cool" to be gay/bi. Seems some of the drama queens (pun intended) are sad about the spotlight being dimmed at their 'coming out'. So now they are reaching for whatever straws can be grasped and waving them madly .."look at me, im gay.. did you hear me, im GAY!" Pfft, that dont impress me. Gay or straight doesnt matter to me, what matters is mutual respect, if you are a good fuck.. oh, and your access to Godiva.

Wyatt Junker said...

A wonderful dissertation on faggotry. Through the lens of perspective, you have given us all a new window with which to peer into cock oddities and mishaps.

I still think homotesticality is a mere by-product of being a klutz, aka Jack Tripper. Just two guys in a locker room running into each other like slapstick comedy. Only a bit of physics. An accident.

"Ooops. I'm sorry my cock ran into your cock. My mistake."

"No problem. Happens all the time. Its a locker room. Cocks aplenty here."

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