2/07/2005

Random musings of a spotless mind

  • Do you think the guy who runs the money-printing machine gets paid in cash? What a let-down either way: "Gosh. I printed 2.8 trillion dollars this week. And I got to take home $487.50, after taxes and FICA."
  • It's nice getting paid under the table, but I prefer getting blown under the table. And if the blower is one of my debtors, then I'm killing two birds with one stone.
  • I saw a recent interview with the original members of Kiss, the rock band. I'm beginning to understand the make-up.
  • The RIAA can bitch and complain about MP3 downloads all they want. I say we still owe them for the whole Milli Vanilli incident. It's their comeuppance.
  • You know who would make great firemen? Strippers. Look how well they can slide down a pole. Imagine how well they handle a hose.
  • What did the garbage disposal say to the vacuum? "You suck." How did the vacuum reply? "Don't talk trash."
  • Imagine if trees had to mate like animals in order to reproduce. That would give a whole new meaning to the term "morning wood."
  • I drink so much soda that my bladder has evolved to a camel back hump.
  • Why do they attempt to control riots with tear gas? Why not use laughing gas? It would be much more effective, and people would be so bitter afterward. Have you tried to get upset about a social injustice while wearing the "happy nose" at the dentist? Good luck.
  • I don't care how much success comes the way of Tom Arnold. The poor bastard still had to sleep with Rosanne.
  • Why does the waitress always wait until you have a big wad of food in your mouth before she springs from the shadows and asks how everything is? I just spit crumbs at her. She'll learn.
  • Can somebody tell the people at my gym that spandex is not mandatory. In fact, we discourage it in members over 50.
  • Which one do you think is more painfully boring: waiting for channel 3 cable TV guide to srcoll down to to the bottom, or waiting for Windows to re-boot?
  • I think it would be really cute if a milk truck and a truck full of Corn Flakes crashed into each other and the wreckage fell into a bowl-shaped ditch.
  • How did cartoonists convey when their characters had a great idea before the invention of the lightbulb? A candle?
  • I'm not saying my mom lacked good judgement. But when we were kids, she helped us spell dirty words with our Alphabits cereal. Yep, mom liked to drink in the morning.
  • I read in the news that a woman just gave birth to 9 healthy baby boys. She plans to name each after one of the planets in our solar system. But she'll refer to each as her "sun."
  • Solution for getting fucked at drive-thru fast food restaraunts: see-through, cellophane bags.

19 comments:

aughra said...

Spandex: It's not a right, it's a privledge.

Useful Idiots said...

yor in fine fettle Bug good musings

Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

The cornflake milktruck ditch needs strawberry bushes surrounding it.

As for the drive-thru, the bags should have mandatory warnings, like cigarettes. Visual ones, maybe showing cellulite-ridden elderly in spandex.

citygurl said...

9 babies--why would anyone want that kind of torture.

I love when someone really overweight loses ten pounds and thinks that they are now thin and have now earned the right to wear spandex.

You've Got What I Need... said...

Firemen arn't already strippers? Shit.

Molicious said...

I'm in totally agreement on the last one. That's how I fucked in the drive-thru. KFC forgot my mashed potatoes and gravy! Bastards.

Anti-Blogger said...

Written wisdom has never been more...umm...wiser.

Gil The Carnie said...

Hey now! Notin' wrong wit spandex, jus has ta' have a load limit enforce on the wearer.

Blog ho said...

BEST...LIST...EVER. Please publish it. I'll buy 6 copies.

Stace said...

"Which one do you think is more painfully boring: waiting for channel 3 cable TV guide to srcoll down to to the bottom, or waiting for Windows to re-boot?"

DAMN IT, both of them are a pain in my ass!! But Windows won't go far, if you miss the channel you are looking for, you have to wait until it re-scrolls. I am going with Channel 3. And that is my final answer.

Rachel said...

Hmmm...pole and hose in the same sentence?

Something you want to tell us baby?

You took my bras and thong didn't you? I know you have them around here someplace.

bullish1974 said...

spandex is not mandatory: for men or for women? just wonderin'.

like you once said: nothing like a good series of random musings. that's the good stuff.

Wyatt Junker said...

The cellophane is long overdue. Ingenious. Actually, all of them are.

Nettie said...

Waiting on the TV guide channel.

Punkin said...

And what did the vacuum say to the fan? "BLow me"

nongirlfriend said...

You are brilliant!

poopie said...

What? No fart jokes on this brilliant list??? Reading this was a happy way to wake up...keep on musing.

Anonymous said...

i like the list. check some of my lines you mite appreciate
visit my comedy blog
koonter.blog-city.com

Toni said...

I totally agree with the last one. Why do fast food places use paper bags? You can't see if they forgot anything, grease seeps through, and the bag is easy to rip. What's the point?