The tao of remote control

If you give me 5 mintues with a new remote control, I can master the entire keypad. I can operate it in the dark, blindfolded, with the skill of a microsurgeon. I can operate up to 5 different components at once without so much as a single typo or a sprained thumb. I can redirect signals, switch visual settings, toggle between stereo and surround sound. I can operate one remote in each hand like a pair of six guns. I'm the Billy the Kid of the remote control.

And yet I still can't type, and I've been practicing for 20 years. I don't get it.

Anyway, have you ever gone into a hypnotic trance while watching a steaming pile of TV programming? I mean something awful, something so bad you wish the writer's family a case of the clap. I'm talking Murder-She-Wrote awful, only Jessica Lansbury is topless and it's cold outside. (That show did suck, didn't it? I secretly hoped they'd change the name to "Suicide She Committed. The last episode.")

So you're writhing in mental anguish, in the death throes of a TV-induced conniption, when suddenly you remember you have the power to stop it. You're not a floating piece of debris in TV land. You have... the remote control -- and 72 other cable stations. The torture's over. With a flick of your thumb you can end the misery. And it's the most wonderful feeling in the world, like when you rouse from a nightmare and realize it was just a dream; your pecker is still attached to your body.

That TV hypnotic trance is tough to break. I've fallen victim to it many times, and digested more TV crap than I'm comfortable discussing. Last night, I watched Becker for over nine minutes! Finally I broke free from the tractor beam and made a quick getaway to the Discovery Channel, but I still had to shower before I felt myself again. That show is like one continuous kick to the groin. They ought to pipe Becker into the cells at Abu Ghraib. Five minutes of watching Ted Danson labor through contrived repartee with that nurse and the terrorist will draw us a map to the WMDs and renounce the Islamic faith.

So keep the remote near and the batteries fresh. Some sniffing salts might help, just in case you come across Becker, Murder She Wrote, or any of the CSI's.


Darlene said...

That reminds me of the old days when Fantasy Island was on. I used to watch Love Boat, but then I was in such a trance and we didn't have a remote in those days, so I would find myself listening to "The Plane! The Plane!" I wish someone would have tied his little ankle to the plane so we could have got back to some good programming.

poopie said...

what is UP with the general public's fascination with solving medical mysteries??

GEEZ. maybe i'm just jaded from years of work, but gawww. who would've ever thought of pathology as an exciting profession?

Nettie said...

Perhaps you could try to find a remote with a tiny keyboard on which to practice. And I love all that forensic stuff...

darthmoridin said...

I wish they had TV remotes that look like guns. That would make one's escape from Fox's "Who's You Crack-Whore Mom?" much more gratifying.

The Pink Suicidal Lemming said...

My God! That musch Becker??
I think I'd be sick.

So many of the American "sitcoms" shit me way up the wall. Of course there are funny ones (ie Frasier), but too many of the unfunny are being cramed down our throats(at least here in Australia).

NOTE: I'm not having a go at all the american television programs, just the crappy "comedic" sitcoms.

Toni said...

Hey now, I like CSI! Ok, just the original Las Vegas one.

citygurl said...

I have that particular problem when I stumble upon 'showgirls'...I don't know why, but I become so awed with it's absolute terrible-ness that I am frozen and lost and cannot change the channel.

Osbasso said...

I'm proud to say that I've been able to avoid every "reality" show that's come on (except "Fear Factor"--something about watching people eating pig rectums that I find fascinating!). They keep coming up with new ones--who decided that anyone likes this crap??!?

Alice the Raven said...

So, pardner, you're mighty fast with that remote huh?

Well, I say this blog ain't big enough for the two of us.

I'm calling you out.

Woodoowoodoowoo...waaa waa waaaah.

I got my trusty Time Warner Cable, multi channel, DVD, VCR special.

*does the remote twirl and holsters*

sCruuw said...

I fucking hate CSI! Is that on ever night of the week or what! I have completely banned CBS because of that stupid ass show! Hell, I'll watch screaming kids on Super Nanny and the freaks on Wife Swap before I torture myself. That show is way too cool!

bullish1974 said...

Thank heavens for the Aquarium Channel.

Lizabeth said...

The Aquarium Channel!! I bet thats cool. I admit I love CSI, I'm sorry, I find it interesting and so untrue. Hmmm.

I bet you would give Tombstone 2005 a run for its money. Bring it on Doc Holliday.

Mike R. said...

I think science has proven that more than 13 minutes and 34 seconds of Ted Danson in a 24 hour period will make your head explode. You were close man, too close.
CSI-LV is pretty good (better than The Apprentice, not saying much there however). It would be better without all the dorky Gil Grissom wanna-be "gotchya" one liners.

I am the opposite. I can type but The Wife has to program the DVD player.

Anonymous said...

haha...I often get locked in those death rays by horrible movies, I swear I've watched "striptease" 15 times.....ridiculous.
This post made me remember the "valium" days when we'd all burn a little eat a couple V's and no one had the power to change the channel no matter how horrendous the programming....good times..:)
(kissashark from Ebloggy)