2/11/2005

The weekends are for pondering, my ponderlings.

  • Alarm clock: Trusted friend by night, dirty bastard by morning.
  • The cashier at the grocery store asked wether I wanted to give a dollar to fight prostate cancer. Lacking any spare cash, I asked her if she could just jam her finger up my ass instead and check the thing out.
  • I saw a bumper sticker that read “Think independently.” How independent are your thoughts if they're stamping them onto bumber stickers?
  • Why doesn't anybody knock before entering the house on television? Just once I'd like to see the neighbors catch Mr. Jones humping Mrs. Jones on the kitchen table. Or else I'd like to see them get mistaken for burglers and accidentally shot.
  • If I were dating a young-looking 18-year-old girl, I think I'd have a lot of fun refering to her driver's license as my "Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free" card.
  • Imagine if narcoleptics had wet dreams.
  • One good thing about insomnia: you'll never know the agony of a morning boner.
  • Missouri is the "Show Me" state. I wonder what their sex-ed classes are like. I hope the teachers are reasonably attractive.
  • Tranquility: the midpoint between constipation and diarrhea.
  • After 8 years of marriage I'm beginning to worry about my sex life. The other night while my wife and I were making love, we left the TV on. And she answered a Jeopardy question -- correctly. I'm balling my brains out and my wife blurts out, "What is metamorphic rock, Alex?" What impressed me is how she was able to follow the gameshow while programming our TiVo.
  • When teaching adolescents about sex, adults often refer to the talk about "the birds and the bees." Why is that? Birds and bees don't fuck each other.
  • When I see people lying in the sun they're wearing sun glasses, applying sunblock, and cooling themselves with water misters and portable fans -- and I think to myself, why don't you go inside? It's cool, shaded and pleasantly lit.
  • If a man thinks with his dick and he pops a boner, is he suddenly twice as smart? If it's really cold out, does he become dumber? If he has herpes, is his thinking rash?
  • Gas prices have risen to the point where it is cheaper to fill your tank with Starbucks coffee. Fill it up with mocha-latte, my good man.
  • People say a college degree is just a piece of paper. So is bathroom tissue, but it comes in very, very handy from time to time.
  • As a means of political protest, a burning effigy is ineffective. If you really want to affect change, try the burning bag of crap on the doorstep. That'll get their attention.

16 comments:

Stace said...

As for you sex life, TURN OFF THE TV, and see how everything works out. LOL

Lizabeth said...

I guess that explains how good you are in bed. On that thought I've always wondered myself who came up with the whole birds and the bees thing. I mean you might as well say "I taught Johnny the Bushes and the Kerry's" hehe bushes

Anonymous said...

LOL. These are brilliant, LBB. I still don't get how you can think up so much original stuff on such a regular basis. This is babydoll by the way.. eBloggy's back up again but I'm having doubts if I should start up my blog again..

Julie said...

You are hilarious!! And so much truth to so many of them.... your mind is something else!

Useful Idiots said...

I think your sex life is in Jeopardy, Bug. Just a word to babydoll : come and join the gang at blogspot.

Julie said...

I"m waiting on a list about dumbya, please!!

Belle said...

I'd rather run out of gas then pour my carmel machiato in the tank.....

bullish1974 said...

dude, how do you come up with these? great list! again! LOL at the last item. you rock!

Smitty said...

Hee-hee...very nice :)

nongirlfriend said...

As always, you never cease to impress the shit out of me with your ponderings.

Blog ho said...

I first thought to myself, LBB is getting better and better. Then it struck me...I'm getting smarter and smarter! It's not you...it's me. see?

as to tv and sex. please put on pron, it will save your ego. your wife will shout out, "Fuck him, Toni" and that's much better, I think.

citygurl said...

Stop having sex in your bedroom. that will solve a lot of issues all at once.

Molicious said...

As a former resident of the "Show Me State" I can tell you that the sex ed classes SUCK. And the teachers? Corn fed. Not cool.

Bloogers Byline said...

hey there Lightnin we folks in Hoot Town likes the Red Green position fer watchin teevee durin a leg over.

The Cure said...

If that stuff is all original you are amazing. Have you ever considered a career in stand up? If you do, you can use this.

You've Got What I Need... said...

Little did you know that the cashier was really Dr. Seymour McCrack, the Politically Incorrect Gynocologist.

He's been just dying to branch out into other fields, but now as the case maybe-- you could be preggers.

He's not sure, as he'll have to run more tests. So, the next time you run to get some milk be prepared... and be warned. He has cold hands, yo.