3/03/2005

The 3 stages of scientific discovery

Every scientific discovery goes through 3 stages:

1) How can we kill people with it?

2) Now that they're dead, how can we entertain ourselves with it?

3) Finally, how can we use it to invent something new to kill people with and then entertain ourselves?

Here are some examples. The primative tools, sticks and stones. First, we killed people with them. We fashioned them into arrows, spears, axes, etc., and killed people who, hopefully, hadn't discovered them yet. When we were done, we entertained ourselves by building cool things with them, like huts, sun dials, and stuff.

Then we rubbed sticks and stones together to make... FIRE, which we quickly fashioned into a weapon. We couldn't wait to light some fuckers on fire -- with torches, hot oil, flaming arrows and catapults, and eventually gun powder. Along the way, we discovered how entertaining fire could be. We cooked with it, danced around it, played with it, toasted marshmallows, and eventually it would inspire the invention of the lava lamp.

Finally, we used fire to develop the next piece of killing technology: metal. Then we made knives, swords, armor, iron maidens (excellent!), guillotines and a hundred other instruments of death. Again, after killing a bunch of people with iron, bronze and steel, we entertained ourselves with it. We've built all kinds of cool stuff with metal: cars, boats, bicycles, planes, and the Swiss Army Knife.

Then came plastics. We made the same stuff to kill people with plastic, only now it's lightweight and rustproof. As far as entertainment, we have a multitude of toys, computer parts, and sex toys.

And so it continues. We're using space-age polymers to develop the latest, most efficient killing machines on the planet. And someday soon, after we kill enough people, those will entertain us, too. Maybe one day I'll have a remote control predator aircraft of my very own to fly.

God bless mankind.

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