3/16/2005

Another 3 vignettes

Revenge is a virtue

Revenge does wonders for your self-esteem. Try looking at yourself in the mirror after "getting even" with someone who really deserves it. I promise you'll suddenly like the person looking back at you. Don't you always feel better about yourself after giving some asshole what he deserves?

In fact, I'm going to make revenge my mission in life. I'm going to keep a notebook in my shirt pocket and start writing down license plates of people who cut me off in traffic and names of jerky department store clerks with attitude. And next to those entries, I'm going to write down some ideas for exacting revenge.

I figure as long as I get even with a significant number of people, my life will have been worthwhile.

Have a wonderful day.


I-BS

At what point in my life did diarreha become "Irritable Bowel Syndrome?"

"Diarrhea" isn't the prettiest word, but it's still better than any combination of the words "irritable" and "bowel." So why the euphemism?

What do bowels have to be irritable about anyway? They can pass all the shit life gives them along for some asshole to deal with!

My job should be so easy!


Delta Burke Airlines

I read a news article claiming that obesity costs the airline industry an extra $250 million per year. Evidently the added weight people bring on the plane (the average person weighs about 10 pounds more since the 1960s) requires more fuel to remain airborne. More fuel, more money.

More bullshit. Are they trying to tell me that a 70-ton DC-10 flies differently because I gain 10 pounds of egg-nog holiday weight? Bullshit. A Yugo wouldn't even require more gas with a fat person in it, let alone an airbus. Maybe a Wright Brothers' plane would have some trouble hoisting some lard ass off the ground. But a freggin' jet?

Just for a second, let's grant the airlines the argument that fat people cost more to get airborne. Who are they to complain? They're the ones force-feeding us all those peanuts!

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