3/23/2005

Chinese Misfortune Cookies

The people in the Chinese Fortune Cookie Factory are awfully damn chipper with their predictions. Especially since they're working 14-hour days, sweating in a shop for 48 cents per hour. Yet every fortune is the sweetest little thing.

I don't buy it. Not everybody's fortune is so cheerful. Some people are fucked; they just don't know it yet. And they can eat cookies all day long. It won't change the fact.

Fortune cookies need to be more realistic. Some fortunes are good. Others are bad. Here's some fortunes I'd like the people at the cookie factory add:

  • You have an inoperable brain tumor.
  • Yes, she is pregnant. On the bright side, at least you're not gay.
  • It's time to see your doctor about that rash. It's not going to go away by itself.
  • You're not getting laid today. Tomorrow doesn't look good, either.
  • Your death will be the result of a freak electrocution.
  • At a future public speaking event, your own flatulence will embarrass you.
  • You need to change your transmission fluid.

Bon appetite.

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