3/08/2005

A few ponderables, a couple of vignettes

  • Everybody who clamors for cheap and accessible healthcare had better consider what brain surgery would be like at a Wal-Mart.
  • I don't believe “patience is a virtue.” If I wanted to sit around and wait, I'd date a Catholic girl.
  • “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore.” Ah, they don't write songs like that anymore. Do they? Hey, if pizza pie ever hits me in the eye, I won't be falling in love; I'll be kickin' the shit out of the delivery boy.
  • The word “chum” intrigues me. It either means “good friend,” or “scraps of dead fish carcass used to attract sharks.”
  • I'm tempted to follow some advice I read on a bumper sticker: “Let go. Let God.” They're not talking about the steering wheel, are they? I hope not. Anyway, I think I'll let go and let God go to work for me tomorrow. Let Him make the widgets. He can fight morning traffic and take crap off the boss for 9 hours. Maybe he can miracle an open road and give the boss a searing case of laryngitis so he'll shut the hell up. Have a good day, God. I made you a brown bag lunch. It's in the fridge.
  • I think tequila should come with a “morning after” pill. And maybe the phone number of a good lawyer.
  • When I was driving today, I passed a car with an “Abort Bush” bumper sticker. Then I passed the next car, which had several “W” bumper stickers. I wonder what would happen if the “Bush Sucks” car collided with the “I Love Bush” car. I theorize it would resemble a matter vs. anti-matter reaction, emitting megatons of energy and intense gravitational pull. Or else it would feel like when you chew on tin foil.
  • We tell kids not to start drinking alcohol because you may become addicted. Eventually, all you'll want is more alcohol. Does anybody else find that incredibly tempting? Imagine a life so simple that all it takes to make you happy is a bottle of hooch.
  • When I study successful people, I notice that it doesn't matter how crazy and fucked up your beliefs are, as long as you stick to them steadfastly. I swear to God; you could worship the Devil -- as long as you do it with conviction, you'll be OK. It's the pensive people who crash and burn. The moral to the story is: you're always right and you should never apologize.
  • There are 2 ways to be wealthy. One is to have everything money can buy. The other is to have everything money can't buy.
  • The ultimate expression of wishful thinking is popping the hood when your car breaks down on the highway. You don't even have a tool-box, but you're going to grapple with 4,000 Korean-made parts and get the thing running again. Unless you're MacGyver or a member of the A-Team, you'd better call a tow-truck. Hell, 82% of us can't find a G-spot. What chance do we have at the torque converter?
  • You know how you can't understand what the auctioneer says because he talks so fast? If I were an auctioneer, I'd say (really fast, in my auctioneer tongue) “if you're a homo, raise your number.” Then I'd secretly laugh at all the unsuspecting homos raising their hands.

22 comments:

Bennet said...

Very funny stuff indeed Lightning Bug
If only I could push out this much consistency. I bow to you this week, but uhm I'm not doing anything else or any other gestures while I am bowing.

Belle said...

I like the chum post.....kinda weird....

darthmoridin said...

Excellent ponderables, LBB. I shall ponder each in its own excellent way.

Osbasso said...

You need to get hooked up with Hallmark. You could make a fortune writing off-beat greeting cards for them!

Latigo Flint said...

Exquisite post today LBB.

(And hey, at least we can call over a few chums, drink some hooch and have a fine ol' time trying to find the torque converter...)

Gama said...

Just sayng hi, Amanda took me to you, I'm glad she did.

poopie said...

Poopie lurves the one about always bein' right :)

P.S. to the boss. see the guy with the halo? he's my cover for today!

Anonymous said...

See you can call someone you really don't like a "chum" and they have no idea you really think they're a big pile of fish guts and blood..LOL! "Let Go Let God"...I hope they're not talking about the steering wheel too...bet he can't drive either! LOL
SharkMeat

Sharon said...

You're quite the philosopher. I'm impressed.

That you can be sage and savagely witty at the same time just adds to your charm.

jadedprimadonna said...

My favorite is the Wal-Mart brain surgery one, but I love them all...

To answer the question you posted on my blog - the PhD is in Curriculum and Instruction for Secondary English.

jadedprimadonna said...

My favorite is the Wal-Mart brain surgery one, but I love them all...

To answer the question you posted on my blog - the PhD is in Curriculum and Instruction for Secondary English.

jadedprimadonna said...

My favorite is the Wal-Mart brain surgery one, but I love them all...

To answer the question you posted on my blog - the PhD is in Curriculum and Instruction for Secondary English.

jadedprimadonna said...

My favorite is the Wal-Mart brain surgery one, but I love them all...

To answer the question you posted on my blog - the PhD is in Curriculum and Instruction for Secondary English.

jadedprimadonna said...

My favorite is the Wal-Mart brain surgery one, but I love them all...

To answer the question you posted on my blog - the PhD is in Curriculum and Instruction for Secondary English.

jadedprimadonna said...

My favorite is the Wal-Mart brain surgery one, but I love them all...

To answer the question you posted on my blog - the PhD is in Curriculum and Instruction for Secondary English.

bullish1974 said...

ah, the return of the random thoughts. excellent list, LBB! the word "chum" is indeed intriguing. and funny at that. say it five times: chum chum chum chum chum. your mouth is now filled with saliva, with soapy suds at the tip of your tongue. funny word, indeed.

dayna said...

I know I commented this morning and still don't see it anywhere. #$%@ing blogger.

You've Got What I Need... said...

Ah, but that's why it's nice to be a girl. I don't grapple with what's under the hood, I simply have it towed.

themadamefiles said...

I stumbled upon your blog at the perfect time. I lauged so hard, I was out of breath and in tears (and to make me laugh that hard is quite the challenge). Thanks for the insight. I'll be back soon for another fix. You are now my comedy pusher. Hit me up with another funny please!! ;-)

Jezzy said...

Ha! Great list!

I don't know what Dean Martin was thinking when he described love as having a pizza thrown at you.

Toni said...

jadeprimadonna-whoa, you should have deleted like, 5 of your posts.

Bug- if a pizza pie the size of the moon hit you in the face, beating up the delivery boy would be the last thing you should be thinking about.

nongirlfriend said...

Again, a masterpiece.

I'm serious about skipping to the honeymoon.

Well, only cyber-serious.