3/18/2005

Headlines from the Hippie Examiner

If I were to publish a newspaper, I'd cater to the hippies. I'm not sure why. I figure it makes sense to specialize. And I could build a huge readership simply by posting "Bush Sucks" above the fold on every issue. Those hippies sure hate Bush. And as any successful publisher knows, there's good money in hatred.

But you can't just trash political figures. If you want to sell newspapers you have to feature stories that appeal to your readership. Here are some headlines I'm working on for the first issue of The Hippie Examiner:

  • Smoking marijuana regenerates ozone, increases sexual potency
  • Birkenstocks voted most sexy footwear
  • "The Man" reportedly in critical condition at St. Joseph's Medical Center
  • Wal-Mart on verge of Chapter 11 bankruptcy; plans to liquidate assets to "mom & pop" competitors
  • Surgeon General endorses hemp cream as remedy for most ailments
  • US Congress collectively trips on acid; says 40 hour work-week "oppressive"
  • MTV now a federally mandated component of public school curriculum
  • Federal Bureau of Labor grants street jugglers professional status
  • State and local police agencies must stock gun barrels with flowers
  • Minimum wage raises to $39 per hour, plus company hybrid car
  • President issues Executive Order that rock band Phish tours continually until 2032
  • Several states now applying "Legalize-It!" parade marches toward community service sentencing obligations

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