3/10/2005

LBB's Personal Ad Translator

Perusing the Blogosphere for several months, I've observed that many of my blogging colleagues are single. Several weeks ago I posted the LBB Job Search translator. Readers' comments suggested the Translator was useful. I'm glad. My blog is worthless if it isn't helping people live better lives. In that spirit, I've posted another translator. This one is for all the single readers. Please have a hardcopy of this Personal Ad Translator handy when reading personal ads. May you profit from it as much as I did. Good luck!

LBB's Personal Ad Translator:


Women seeking men ads

“Height-weight proportionate” = Fat pig
“Voluptuous” = Even fatter
“Full-figured” = Bring an engine hoist
“Athletic” = vain, self-centered bottled-water-drinking bitch in Spandex
“Professional” = Ball-busting C-bomb with a good lawyer
“Artsy” = Flakey
“Mature” = Old and dusty, still horny
“Old-fashioned” = Missionary only on the first date
“Free spirit” = crazy whore
“Adventurous” = Free spirit (see above) with outstanding arrest warrant/STD
“Friends first” = Just in case you're an ugly troll or a psycho
“Social drinker” = until I black out, anyway
“Spunky” = Living argument for spousal battery
“Seeks companionship” = seeks meal ticket with as little sex as necessary
“Must love kids” = Must love 3 kids from 3 different fathers; you'll be #4
“Seeks romance” = My knees spend a lot of time behind my ears
“Independent” = clingy broad who read “Co-dependent No More” and missed the point


Men seeking women ads

“Athletic” = played high school football 20 years ago, now a fat pig
“Professional” = Assistant manager at local Pep Boys
“Christian” = Court-ordered 12-stepper; one drink away from becoming jerkoff again
“Handsome” = Flexes in mirror and imagines Fabio is looking back; actually Woody Allen
“Passionate” = Perverted/Public masturbater
“Bad boy” = Pussy-boy accountant who bought a Harley-Davidson
“Friends first” = not quite ready to tell mom I'm gay
“ISO intelligent woman” = ISO boobs and a pulse
“Loner” = You can be the next victim I bury in my basement
“Sensitive” = unemployed “artist” looking for a meal ticket
“Social drinker” = Two previous DUIs and a cirrhotic liver
“Smoker” = Mobile home resident; mullet wearer
“Trim” = Meth-head
“Free-spirit” = I celebrate each trip to jail with a new tattoo
“Generous” = First date? Sizzler All-You-Can-Eat Buffet; have half-price coupon

24 comments:

ty bluesmith said...

you really crack me up sometimes, dude

Teaspoon said...

Thank you for the translations.
Your "Generous, Loner" friend TSP

Pirate said...

How about, "Long walks on the beach". What the hell is that all about. Or "Quiet times".

Good stuff. You're definately the comic.

nongirlfriend said...

Thanks, BB. IF I ever start dating again, I'll use this list to help guide me on my way to my own personal hell.

sCruuw said...

That is perfect ...sad but true!

Cindy-Lou said...

Blogger comments suck. I posted your comment here:
http://cltalks.blogspot.com/2005/03/i-luv-blogger-2.html
(sorry, I'm a technotard, no linkage)

bullish1974 said...

well, where's men seeking men and women seeking women? i'm just saying...

stoli said...

I'm with CL. My comment is on behind every desk

Bookfraud said...

damn, that's funny shit. personals are just the extension of Internet personas -- create one, maybe he/she will be suckered enough to believe part of it. thank god for pictures.

hope this comment sees light of day.

Blue944 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Blue944 said...

These comments really suck. Haloscan is much better...instruction on installing them on my site.

This was some funny shit. Very nice. I will check back and see what you do next.

citygurl said...

butt, you crack me up! my favorite: free spirit = crazy whore...ha ha ha ha, so true...but who doesn't love a crazy whore? come on...

Jack Mercer said...

Bug! Finally! Get to see the mug of the legend!

Alice the Raven said...

Professional, athletic girl seeks sensitive, Christian male for spastic, turbulent relationship.

Peach Flambée said...

"Shy" = Control freak who expects you to make every single freakin' move

"Well-respected" = Control freak who will criticize your every move

"Outgoing" = I'll bring the kayak and the frying pan, you bring the dynamite and the bail money

"Loves camping" = First date? Star Wars Episode 3 on opening night

"Geek" (female) = Will emasculate any man whose geek-fu is inferior to mine

"Geek" (male) = Looking for a holodeck but will settle for a humanoid with a pulse ... please.

Bennet said...

Damn it Bug's Butt that's funny shit.
If only I would have thought of this. I'm going to stick to doing graphic images.
BTW, I see you have a picture up now. You could model Super Duct Tape Dude. I'll send you the suit.

Anti-Blogger said...

I, personally, have used all of those items with tremendous results.

Ari said...

GMTA, BB.... I just made a Personals-related post today! And even though I fit some of your descriptors, I won't cry.

Also, love the pic.

AND! I linked you.

jadedprimadonna said...

Hilarious! Will pass this on to my single friends!

Quixotic Cat said...

I just new you were cute Bug Butt!

Hee Hee!

What about a 'Friends First' (cuz you have to make sure they aren't the 'set the cat on fire' type), then a 'seeks Romance with a meal ticket'?

LOL

What else would a cat be looking for?

MEOW!

=^..^=

Nettie said...

Just what I never knew I needed...

NYCbeauty said...

Oh my god...that made me laugh my ass off! You missed one though: Height. When men say they are 5'8" in a personal add, they really mean 5'6"...always subtract 2 inches! Being a tall girl, I would know. Hey, I love your blog, but I'm new to all of this and a complete technophobe. When I realize how to link to blogs in my margins, I'll most certainly add yours! Thanks for a great read, Jennifer

Lizabeth said...

Looks like I'm a professional who seeks romance, definately a social drinker.

androstenone said...

thanks for the infomation