3/04/2005

Losing my religion

I do what I can to remain a good person in the eyes of the Lord. But with all the thou-shalt-not's in the Bible, sometimes I think it would be easier just to buy a lightning rod.

A lightning rod is like a bullet-proof vest against devine vengence. Walk around with one of those things over your head and you're damn near invinsible to most deities. They can hurl all the lightning bolts they please. The worst that's going to happen to you is some singed eyebrows.

I never leave the house without my lightning rod. I take the Lord's name in vain from time to time (when driving, usually) and a bear false witness like a motherfucker at work. My rod keeps me safe. But I keep my offenses small, because God can get creative if He needs to. He usually starts with a lightning bolt, but if you really piss Him off, He might shrink your pecker or something.

So I try to stay humble.

12 comments:

dayna said...

Hilarious! This is why I keep coming back to read your blog even though though you completely offend me sometimes. :)

Molicious said...

What a fabulous idea LBB!! I should try it sometime as I am ALWAYS forgetting the 10 commandments. Like murder and coveting and shit. Oh and that whole thing about taking the Lord's name in vain. Yea, I do that too. Like a motherfucker. :o)

bullish1974 said...

ok. let me know where i can buy that lightning rod. i want that as well. perhaps amazon has it? let me check.

citygurl said...

hmm, yes, remember that whole plague thing, and the locusts and all that. keep it small...not your thingy, the offenses.

Bookfraud said...

nice idea, especially as 10 Commandments will be soon be playing at a school, courthouse, or government building near you.

for those of us terminally guilty (see Jews, etc.), we've already been punished in our own sick minds so much that a lightening bolt might be a welcome relief to this bitter world. beats having a shrunk schlong or tinier testicles.

nongirlfriend said...

Do lightning bolts come in pink?

I so need one.

Lizabeth said...

Can i get mine to look like one of those little colorful hats with the propellor on top? How about pink, I'm all for pink? Or better yet Coach!

Osbasso said...

Is there some sort of Acme/Roadrunner device you can wear so that the lightning gets deflected either back to Heaven or at someone else you might not care for?

Stace said...

Ok I don't have to worry about my pecker, but you are right he could shrink my BOOBS, heaven forbid.:-) I should be good. hmmmmmm that's debatable.

ty bluesmith said...

stace typed "pecker"

Cindy-Lou said...

I covet my neighbor's wife sometimes. Do I need a rod?

~kimberly~ said...

too many lightening strikes and ill stop calling you "Buggy Butt" and replace it with "Sparky"