3/28/2005

An open letter from the folks here at Blogger:

Dear Blogger:

Welcome back, bloggers! We're proud to see our Blogger service currently boasts over 4 million members -- and that number is growing every day. At Blogger, we're committed to offering our members a quality blogging experience. That's we we're constantly improving Blogger and adding new features. Here's what to expect:

Some of you may have encountered errors and system failures when trying to post. This isn't our fault. You must appreciate the enormous drain on our system your 3 paragraphs of text on the Art of Farting or Dave Mathews song lyrics causes. Even with today's computing power, no network on the planet can handle that much information in a reasonable time. Broadband Internet and 4th generation Pentiums simply aren't enough. Even NASA doesn't have the computing power to broker an exchange of information between a teenager's daily diary entry and our servers. Please bear with us until we can recruit 5000 Asian 12-year-old computer nerds to teach our dumbass staff how to keep a server running. Most of our programmers are still working through their Windows for Dummies books. We'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Coincidentally, 12 years is approximately the amount of time it takes an average user to successfully post a comment on our new, exciting Comments feature. At Blogger, we know that when you read an exceptionally well-written, entertaining post, the last thing you want to do is let the author know with a few lines of text. Bloggers prefer to work in complete annonymity with no possibility for the exchange of ideas -- or even a simple acknowledgement. You're all much too busy blogging. So, our crack team of programmers has coded a subroutine that will capture your computer's processor and suspend it in limbo indefinitely the moment you attempt to post a comment. We make it damn near impossible to accidentally post a comment. Future versions of our software will automatically delete your family pictures, any online billing records and your favorite porn files while you wait. No need to thank us. It's our way of showing our members how much we care.

Please disregard rumors some irresponsible news sites are publishing about a class action lawsuit against Blogger. This rumor falsely reports that over 3,000 perfectly reasonable people have fallen into a stark raving conniption fit and demolished their computers with their bare hands after repeated attempts to use Blogger. [One of our members, known only as Lightning Bug's Butt, has organized a Blogger Sucks/Legalize Hemp rally currently on display in a residential area where several Google exectutives reside. Authorities have arrived and a naked, intoxitcated LBB is under arrest] This alleged acute mental breakdown has already acquired the moniker “Going Blogger.” Our legal team at Blogger wishes to inform all of you there is no truth to this class action suit nor the mental episode alleged therein.

To the 17 of you who actually succeed accessing Blogger today, we at Blogger wish you Happy Blogging!

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