3/09/2005

Some more crumbs from the cookie jar of my conscience

  • Lily Tomlin once said, “Even if you win the rat race, you're still just a rat.” If I may borrow the phrase, “Even if you get the job, you still have to work it.”
  • Some men measure their success by what they do and much money they've made. I measure my success by how many headaches I've avoided and how many days I've done next to nothing.
  • I'd never sell my soul, but I'd finance it at favorable terms, especially for a really cool sports car.
  • Red Bull gives you wings -- and an occasional case of the runs.
  • When did men start wearing “body spray?” I'm just not that worried about how I smell. I consider it a good day if I don't have body lice.
  • Seriously, men have become more vain than women. We're now getting plastic surgery. No freakin' way I'm getting operated on just so I'm more attractive. If I get any kind of surgery, it'll be one that allows me to make more money -- which is how guys get laid, anyway. Maybe I'll get a cash register sewn onto my ass or something.
  • I don't know why they call them “Tuff Sheds.” They make pretty good houses all by themselves.
  • You know what would make basketball more entertaining? Ceiling fans over each basket.
  • No matter how bad a food is, if you put enough salt on it, it will eventually taste like a potato chip.
  • I'm surprised Indians didn't seize a business opportunity in hair-weaving, what with all the scalping going on back then. And I'll wager they could get top dollar for peyote, especially at those "raves" I've heard about.
  • When we housebreak dogs, we teach them to do their business on a plot of newspaper. But what most people don't know is that the dog is just expressing his opinion of the New York Times Editorial Page.
  • I think a good Bazooka comic would show Joe choking to death on a piece of gum.
  • Why are they going after Bill Cosby? He gave drugs to some chick in order to have sex with her. What guy hasn't? If you've got a good bag of weed or an eight-ball of coke, consider yourself laid. And we've been buying them drinks since the dawn of time: Candy's dandy, but liquor's quicker. But a couple of quaaludes are fastest of all, huh Bill?

10 comments:

Latigo Flint said...

Those are some mighty fine crumbs LBB. I've always admired the raw truth of: "If you never try, you'll never fail."

8ZERO8 said...

“Body spray” isn't aimed at all men, just the 10% who provide our world with wonderful interior design tips and snappy comebacks, girlfriend!

Mmmmm ... peyote

~kimberly~ said...

yeah yeah whatever...

you... are freakin adorable, nice pic. :)

Nölff said...

Bill Cosby needs to bring back the Jello pudding pops. I can't find them anywhere.

Nölff said...

Bill Cosby needs to bring back the Jello pudding pops. I can't find them anywhere.

Rachel said...

You are a genius, hot butt!

Pirate said...

They're pissed at the Cos because he called a spade a spade and pissed the whole damn left branch off.

You talk the truth brother. Peyote in 1978 killed a few brain cell friends of mine. I've been giving off body spray for some time. Mrs. Pirate thinks I invented the stuff. But she also thinks I'm the big cock of the walk. So does her sister.

jadedprimadonna said...

Yes, we do need our pudding pops back... sigh...

Again, you made me laugh on a day when I need to. Thanks, LBB!!!

Lisa said...

Jeez, man, from your terse comment, I had no idea that I would be stumbling onto one of the funniest blogs in cyberspace--you should really warn a girl.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I wonder if Bill C. puts on that Fat Albert voice when he makes his move; "Hey hey hey, I'm gonna get laid..."