3/25/2005

Thinking on Drinking

The shape of things

Sometimes the shape and design of the glass aren't just cosmetic. They're functional, too.

Do you know why martini glasses are shaped like little, upside-down cones? To give the martini drinker -- who inevitably is drunk -- an easier target for his drunk, numb lips. Martini glasses have a relatively large circumfrence for the rim. So, drunks have a better chance of hitting the rim with their lips.

The same goes for margaritas. If you're drinking margaritas, the chances are you're all fucked up. You might believe the huge rim is for the salt, but that's coincidental. The primary reason for the rim is so you can find it with your drunk-ass lips.

Think about it. Have you ever been so fucked up that your mouth can't find the rim of the glass? Of course you have. That's why you should stick to martinis and margaritas. You're bound to find the rim eventually.

Conversely, they pour weak, girlie drinks in those tall, thin glasses, because you'll never get drunk enough to need more rim! Example: the Sloe Gin Fizz. It's a girl drink, so they serve it in one of those penis-shaped glasses.

Beer bongs.

Can I suggest that if you're power-injecting an alcoholic beverage down your gullet, you have a problem with alcohol?

Of course the Mule-Piss Light or whatever cheap beer college kids drink necessitates bypassing the taste buds somehow. A beer bong serves that purpose.

These college kids need show some conviction. If you want to make a spectacle of your drinking, screw the beer bong. Tap a pressurized keg with an enema tip and jam that thing up your ass. Then have a couple butt-buddies pump the crank and shoot about 6 liters of beer up your colon. It packs a great buzz and you'll be the talk of the frat party. And when one of your buddies pokes you in the butt, he'll get a contact buzz.

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