3/02/2005

Three vignettes

A good, firm handshake

I hate those guys who shake your hand as hard as they can. Trying to be a man's man. I'm not talking about a good, firm handshake. I mean those jag-offs who squeeze with all their might, trying to send a non-verbal message that says, "I'm the bigger man." Fuck these guys. You know what I like to say to a guy who does that to me? "Take it easy, Vice Grip. It isn't your boyfriend's penis and this isn't the men's room."


Driving and wondering

My commute to work forces me to spend a couple hours per week on the highway. Every once in a while I pass a motor home. And sometimes, just every once in a while, I see a motor home towing a U-Haul cart behind it. Maybe it's just the boredom of the road, but I have to wonder what this person is hauling in the trailer. What the fuck can't you fit in a 40-foot Winnefuckinbago? I think most of the time it's a dead body the family killed while at the Grand Canyon.

True Romance

Let me share what I feel is the most romantic experience in the world. Perhaps you'll agree. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. You hear a song on the radio, a song that was popular a long time ago, when you were falling in love with a special girl, and life was exciting and perfect. Now, the years have passed, and a disk jockey resurrects the song from the archive of aging Top-10 hits -- that special song you and your love shared -- and the sound of it evokes the memories of you and your love making out in the car, overlooking a sunkissed view of the city. And just like you did all those years ago, you prematurely ejaculate in your pants. Ah, romance.

10 comments:

nongirlfriend said...

Excellent! I now have this mental image of you that I'm sure I won't be able to shake...

You've Got What I Need... said...

Most romantic moment in my past, and he said at that most shimmery of moments: "I'm the cock to your holster."

Ah, I've said it once, and I'll say it again, Romance... it's just so important in a relationship, yo.

ty bluesmith said...

gotta get your elbow above theirs on the kill-you shake, then they're in for a surprise.

just.a.girl said...

Thank you! i needed to be entertained...being bored stupid in a class...(something about the biochemistry of the eye)... but the handshake..just about started laughing out loud in the midst of class!

Lizabeth said...

Boy that post was so good, it definately was worth posting twice. That whole premature thing gets you every time huh.

Cindy-Lou said...

I hate the limp handshake even more, or the curled hand thing that women do where they only offer you their fingers and not the whole hand. I know that song, too, it's True Colors by Cyndi Lauper, isn't it?

Julie said...

I thought you didnt' like my husband b/c he is like g w dumbya. you never told me why our picture looked just like you thought it would look. you must tell me now.

Julie said...

I dated a now locally famous chef who would do that when we kissed, it was so embarassing for us both. he was a virgin, WHEN I met him... not after the year of dating though. He is the one my father always says, even in front of my husband 'he's the one you let get away'...

Nettie said...

Wouldn't a U-Haul be too big for a dead body? But then maybe it helps contain the smell.

8ZERO8 said...

I usually premature ejaculate when someone shakes my hand really hard ... I mean REALLY hard.