3/23/2005

Vignette sale: 2-for-1. No refunds.

In line at the grocery store

We are the least friendly when standing in line at the grocery store. We avoid eye contact, stand resolutely next to our basket of merchandise, load our items on the checkout conveyor in an orderly fashion, and speak to nobody except the cashier. "Paper or Plastic?" are the only words we're comfortable with. When we feel the pressure to make small talk with fellow shoppers, we thumb through a magazine or fumble through our coupons. I think I know why. We're embarassed by what we're buying. When you're unloading a basket of control-top pantyhose, hemorrhoid cream, jock-itch medicine, horoscope booklets, box wine and obscenly shaped vegetables, the potential for embarrasment is too much to bear. Better to keep things to yourself.



Missiles: size doesn't matter

Some people believe warfare is all about penis size. They substantiate their claim by observing the shape of bullets and missiles. "Just look at the shape of the missile, man. It looks like a penis. See? That proves it."

Bullshit. That doesn't prove anything except the laws of aerodynamics. What are we supposed to shape them like -- vaginas? How far off the ground would a big vagina with a rocket motor get?

The penis does make us do a lot of stupid things. For instance, when I see a middle-aged guy drive a 7000 pound, 4-wheel drive truck that gets 1 mile per gallon to his job at... The Sunglass Hut, I suspect a penis has a hand in things.

Penises make us do some silly things, but warfare isn't one of them. I think that sometimes it's just fun to kill a bunch of people at once without all the pesky jail time.

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