4/01/2005

The Best Orphans

For my money, the best orphans are British. They're the lovliest little creatures. Whether in movies or real life, you can't beat a British orphan (well, you CAN beat them if you're the headmaster of the orphanage. Touche!). Imagine one now, with his angelic face smeared with coal dust from the mine he labors, soiled winter coat, galoshes, and an outstretched hand covered in a holey mitten, hoping for a spare shilling.

"Pardon me, dear sir. I lost me dad in the coal mines and me mom's dead of consumption. I'd be ever so grateful for a spare pound so I might eat."

Ah, it makes me wish I had a little British orphan shining my shoes right now. I'd gladly tip the little fella.

Oprhans from other countries aren't nearly as pleasant. Those from the Middle East are busy burning effigies of George Bush. Those in Asia are likely planning to kill you for your bodily organs (you can get 50 thousand American dollars for a kidney). Even orphans in America are obnoxious little tuffs. They wouldn't remove their I-Pod earpiece to hear you beg for your life during a car jacking.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the best orphans are British.

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