4/26/2005

Creative Immigration

I wonder why people immigrating to American do things the hard way: swimming oceans, transversing deserts, jumping barbwire, dodging border agents.

If I wanted to immigrate to America, I'd ship myself there via UPS.

I'm not kidding. I'd find a roomy wooden crate, drill some breathing holes in it, seal myself inside with a Gameboy and a bottle of Gentleman Jack, and mail myself to the nearest stateside topless bar.

Sure, I'd be a little cramped and jet lagged from the trip, but I'd be in much better shape than your typical immigrant. Those people go through hell, risking their lives on the ocean or in a desert. Fuck that! I let some guy wearing little brown shorts haul my ass to the air-conidtioned comfort of a Los Angeles Circle-K, or some other place with a mailbox.

The UPS commercials ask, "What can Brown do for you?"

Answer: It can make me a US citizen where I can get me a job at Red Lobster making minimum wage, then go home an watch re-runs of Friends on basic cable -- the American Dream.

Speaking of illegal immigration, we all complain about "outsourcing" jobs to foreigners. Then we complain about stopping illegal immigration because the aliens do "jobs Americans won't do."

Why don't we split the difference and outsource all the crappy jobs Americans won't do to Mexico? Everybody wins!

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