Before controversial television shows, you‘ll see this message.

“The views of the host do not necessarily reflect the views of this broadcasting network or its affiliates.”

Translation: We disagree with this steaming pile of programming but we’re going to broadcast it anyway because we make tons of advertising money when you chicken-fried dumbshits buy useless crap like Glade Plug-ins and Chia Pets.

I think the host ought to respond with, “My appearance on this network in no way endorses the useless crap you’ll see advertised during commercial breaks. Most of it is useless crap. Nobody needs a freggin’ Glade Plug-in.”

Give the network a dose of its own medicine.

“Read instruction manual FIRST before attempting to use this product. Only use this product for it intended purpose!”

Translation: When you lop off a finger with our chain saw trying to remove a wart, don’t even try to sue us. Our product isn’t defective. You’re just stupid.

“Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.”

Translation: We’ve installed a magic funhouse mirror on you car because we think it’s hilarious when people crash into each other. Don’t even try to sue us. We warned you.

“Do not exceed recommended dosage.”

Translation: Even though this crap doesn’t work very well, you shouldn’t take 17 of them at once and wash them down with a six-pack of Zima. You might need to have your stomach pumped. The good news is you’ll forget all about your headache.

No comments: