4/06/2005

A few more crumbs from my conscience

  • Do you think kids with the name “Jesus” have to call their dads “God?”
  • Here's a list of cool names: Biff, Stretch, Skip, Gage, Huck, Dutch. Names that are also verbs are cool.
  • Attention parents: when your child misbehaves, you don't have to get angry. When your teen-ager acts inconsiderately and fails to show you an ounce of respect, you don't have to despair. Just do what I do. Whenever your kid acts up, go to the bank, take $50 bucks out of their college fund and buy yourself something nice.
  • I like the kid in the anti-drug commercials who tells his pot-smoking friends that he won't try drugs. Then he says something like “I don't need drugs to be cool.” He should say something closer to the truth, like “Forget this great party. I'm going home to jerk off all over myself and then read a science book.”
  • I don't understand the term “going down” on a girl. You can't go down on a girl unless she's standing up! I think we should use compass coordinates to describe the act of cunnilingus. For instance, let's say she's lying so that her her head points north-by-northwest. You can ask her, “Hey, baby. Do you want me to go south-by-southeast on you?”
  • Bill Clinton sure has gone downhill quickly. Six years ago, he was gulping down Big Macs, partying with Hollywood celebs and tagging cooter half his age in the Oval Office while he talked to world leaders on the phone and his wife read in the next room. Fast-forward 6 years. He looks like a ghost. He's lost 50 pounds. His heart's on the fritz and he's jetting around the country with an 80-year-old man talking about tsunamis and libraries.
  • Things change once you get married. When I was single, women didn't know I existed. I was like the invisible man with a body odor problem. I was like that retarded kid selling roses off the expressway. But once I got married, I guess my dick became cherry-flavored, because now they all want a lick.
  • If Earth is truly my mother, will somebody kindly point me to the tits?
  • Why do you have to be a medical doctor to perform an autopsy? Your patient is already dead! Hell, you don't even need to be CPR-certified. Just count the stab wounds and bullet holes and call it a night. A janitor can do that.
  • True story: stopped at a traffic light, I saw this bum. He looked at me and started rubbing his stomach -- to gesture that he was hungry. I kept watching. He rubbed his stomach again. I just stared. He rubbed his stomach a 3rd time. Still trapped at a red light, I looked right at him and patted my head. Then I sped away.
  • Barring economic hardship, why would anybody eat a bologna sandwich?
  • I find the best way to placate an angry drunk is to remind them they're an alcoholic and that nothing they say really matters. Oh, and you might want to suggest that's why they lost their job and ceased being a real man.
  • I keep reading about same-sex marriage. Isn't all marriage “same-sex?” You get to have sex with the same damn person the rest of your life.
  • The world is getting so politically correct that criminal suspects now have their own euphemism: “person of interest.” They're not people-of-interest. They're suspects. The cops suspect them of a crime. Nelson Mandella is a person of interest. J-Lo is a person of interest -- at least the bottom half is. John Wayne Gasey was a suspect.
  • Here's an idea for breakfast cereal: sweetened oat-bran pieces shaped into obscene body parts. Name of the cereal? Alpha-Tits.

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