The Roman Catholic Times
Wanted: The Catholic Church is accepting applications for a Pontiff whose responsibilities include executive office of Catholicism and overseeing the Faith of 800 million Catholics. Will function as liaison between God and Mankind. Must work well with Christian Deities, Holy Spirits and Saints. Experience with Biblical sermons a must. Must be able to type 40 Biblical verses per minute. Must meet quarterly collection plate quotas. Some travel necessary.
This position requires the occassional wearing of a bulletproof vest, an encumbering hat, bulky robes. You must be physically fit enough to wear these items while wielding a scepter. Must be willing to make gesture of blessing and wave Holy Hand for several hours at a time.
Gererous Benefits package includes: a personal chauffeur, free robes, adolation of millions of Christians, a staff of cardnals at your disposal, lifetime supply of Bibles, guaranteed reservation in Heaven.
Fax, send or miracle your resume to Catholic Church Headquaters, C/O Board of Cardinals. All applications must include prayer that you get the job.
Employment pending drug screen and criminal background check.
Protestants and Jews need not apply.