4/01/2005

A misallocation of resources

I hurl a lot of inanimate objects at my television, especially when I'm watching the news. I hate the news. But if you don't watch it, you can't complain about stuff. So I stay locked in 14 hours per day.

Sometimes when I hurl an object at the newscaster, it's because they switched to a Spanish accent when they pronounced a word derived from Spanish, even though it's still English. It's enchilada, not “Ain-Chee-LAtha.” Save it for Telemundo, lady. But most of the time I throw things at the TV because the news reminds me of all the problems in our country and our ineptitude for correcting them. After I whiz the remote across the room, I can only shake my head in disgust. The aggravating thing is, we don't have to put up with these problems; we're just misallocating our human resources. We're putting the wrong people in charge of fixing our national headaches. Let me explain.

Per the Constitution, all money bills start in the House of Representatives. That means congressmen spend all our tax money. No wonder NASA has to calculate the national debt. Your average congressman makes Michael Jackson look frugal (and sexually prudent). You know who should be writing our national budget? Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart will make the numbers balance. Wal-Mart can sell you a color television for 29 bucks. Congress will buy a crapper for $600 and then use it to flush your social security money. Who do you think will balance the books faster?

Furthermore, Wal-Mart should hire and manage all government employees. Everyone knows how overpaid and under-worked government employees are. Wal-Mart will change that faster than Anne Heche's sexual orientation. Wal-Mart will squeeze them all into blue smocks and have them punching clocks and pushing brooms for $8.00/hr. And all those wasteful government benefits? Try 10% off retail price and two, 10-minute breaks per shift. Now go clean the Capitol Building shitters. Wal-Mart will ride our government employees' asses and get our money's worth, although we may have to get comfortable with government workers lacking several teeth and/or being 89 years-old.

Immigration is a humongous problem -- again, because we employ the wrong people to do the job. You want to know the solution to illegal immigration? Titty-bar bouncers. Yep. I say we round up all the bouncers in every titty bar in the country. Then we line them up along the Mexican border and leave them out there with a basket of buffalo wings and some steroids, and those tee-shirts that read “Security” on the back. Just picture a line of titty bar bouncers in a row, shaved heads, goatees, barbed wire tattoos around their arms, chests puffed out, watching ominously with their arms folded. Nary a vato would make it across the border. I'll guarantee you that. It would sell politically, too, because nobody would be using firearms or taser guns -- just a line of bar jocks tossing little vatos back across the border, and an occasional Budweiser-fueled shoving match. “Sorry Gentlemen. You can look, but you can't touch.” “Settle down now. You don't have to go home but you can't come here.”

Plus, bouncers already know to check I.D. ”Sorry, Pedro. Unless you're a 62 year-old Chinese lady with a corrective eye-wear restriction, you're not getting in the club.”

Dead-beats are another problem, and we've employed the wrong people to deal with them. I don't just mean people down on their luck, I mean dead-beats getting a free ride at somebody else's expense: parents whose child support is in arrears, greedy business executives who've embezzled millions, doctors who don't pay their student loans, Winona Ryder, people like that. You know who we should sic on them? The IRS. Nobody can get their hands up somebody's financial skirt and into the honey pie faster than the IRS. Let these bloodhounds track the dead-beats. They'll find the money if they have to shake them by the ankles. Problem solved. Oh, and if the job gets too big, let the mafia do some per diem, contract work. Or organize a job-share. The IRS gets Monday through Friday. The Dagos work the weekend shift.

Here's another problem with the wrong people trying to fix it: Homeland security. Right now we have a bunch of white, middle-aged slugs who wouldn't notice a potential terrorist unless he stole an agent's ham sandwich. Who should be in charge of homeland security? Follow me on this one: Drug addicts. Pot smokers, meth-heads, coke-fiends -- these people are just paranoid enough to catch every twitch a potential terrorist makes. A terrorist won't be able to sneak out a fart without one of these guys jumping 7 feet in the air and calling the cavalry. Regarding homeland security, paranoia is a virtue. Who's more paranoid than a chronic pot-smoker? And the best part is, we can pay these guys off in crank and Doritos. Everybody wins! Sure, some paranoid agent on a 3-day binge might finger an 82-year-old grandma with a knitting needle, but that's the price we pay for security.

Illiteracy -- another huge problem in America. It's no surprise, though. Most teachers can't pass a reading competency exam anymore. Unless MTV starts featuring a Phonics Reading Hour after Yo MTV Raps, the problem isn't going to get any better.

I know this is ironic, but we should put Asians in charge of teaching English. Have you ever met a first-generation Asian immigrant? They learned English in like, 4 days, from reading street signs and McDonald's lunch menus. You can give an Asian kid a Bazooka Joe comic and they'll start speaking English at the college-freshman level. They're amazing -- and national test scores prove it. They can speak English better than anybody. You just can't understand them, but that's alright. We have to suck it up, man. We have to check our pride at the door, because foreigners speak our language better than we do. In fact, we might as well let Asians teach mathematics too, and maybe cooking. Those Chinese make a wonderful fried rice. In fact, let's have them teach all our classes, except Drivers Ed! [Note: I realize I've just lost several Asian readers. Let me take this opportunity to tell you how much I'll miss your visits and I hope legal action won't be necessary.]

Heck, we've solved some major problems over the last several paragraphs. That's why bloggers should be running things. We're the ones who have all the sound, common-sense ideas.

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