4/29/2005

Philosophy of a Falling Tree

Some people ponder the question, If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it, did the tree make a sound?

I'm more practical. I like to ask, If I knocked up a girl while on vacation in Southern California, and I didn't tell her my real name, is she really pregnant?


Some people ask, What would Jesus Do? I ask myself the same thing, only my "Jesus" is pronounced in Spanish, "Hey-Soose." And let me tell you, Jesus does a lot of cool stuff.

Sometimes he slaps his old lady around and drinks a 12-pack of Bud. Other times, when he's running low on dinero, he holds up a liquor store and then drinks a 12-pack. And if the old lady gives him a bum rap about armed robbery, he slaps her around and drinks another 12-pack.

Jesus is the North of my moral compass. I do a lot of things because Jesus would. His counsel gives me a great deal of latitude. I just got a tattoo (on my chest) of a pretty lady with nice, naked boobs because I'm pretty sure Jesus would have done the same thing. I've also purchased a firearm at a local gunshow. It's characteristics are illegal as the muzzle has been sawed off. But again, Jesus would have a gun just like this. And any punk-ass bitch who disrespected Jesus would meet the business end of it. So don't talk any shit, ese, or I'll put my gauge down your sancho throat. Jesus taught me that! He also gave me a hair net and a flannel shirt. I'm wearing them now.

Sometimes late at night after I've been drinking, Jesus encourages me to join a gang. I'm not sure which one I'm going to join yet. I'm inclined to the Crypts because I enjoyed that show, Tales from the Crypt. But the Bloods have a first-rate dental plan. I'll have to ask Jesus what he'd do. He'll steer me right.

Anyway, Jesus says I need to stop acting like a bitch, get off my computer (he plans to sell it for pot and trick the score out to high school kids) and cruise South Sixth for gato. Hey, if it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me.

Te veo, ese.

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