4/27/2005

Three Vignettes a la mode


Old Age

Old age begins at the bottom and works its way up. When you're a kid, your feet hurt from playing. When you're adult, your knees hurt from running. In middle age, your back hurts from struggling. Once your old, things literally becomes a pain in the neck.

But you're never too old or young for a hemorrhoid. I guess that's God's way of reminding us that life can be a pain in the ass no matter how old we are.


The Last Meal

I never understood the tradition of the last meal before the state executes prisoners.

"Well, I've got an hour before they strap me into the electric chair. I'd could really go for some lamb chops and mint jelly right about now."

If I'm ever on death row, you know what my last meal is going to be? A fifth of Everclear. It's nice and flammable. Maybe when they throw the switch I can take a couple of those bastards with me.


Three Coins in a Fountain -- and a little urine

Why bother maintaining vending machines when you can just build fountains? Have you seen the money people throw into these things? I'm thinking about quitting my job and building a big water fountain in my front yard. I figure I can pull down about $450 a week. The fountain in front of the local Cinnabuns makes three times that amount, although it has a statue of a naked kid taking a leak in the thing. Showing the goods always draws a few more bucks.


Some of these people toss a whole quarter in the water. Why do they do that? Are they trying to correct for inflation? Do they think their wish will go to the front of the line? Maybe they make 25 wishes a pop. Who knows? All I know is, there's a lot of money in fountains and I want my piece of the action.

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