4/12/2005

Truth Serum

We don't use enough truth serum. Truth serum is the best invention ever -- especially with all the bullshit in the world. Yet we hardly ever use it. If it weren't for the movies, I wouldn't even know it exists.

Think of all the money we could save the justice system (lawyers, judges, expert witnesses, jury summons, never-ending trials). We could side-step 90% of litigation with a truck-load of truth serum. Of course, if we all drank truth serum, the divorce rate would skyrocket, and then the courts would fill up again.

Just imagine if we required political candidates to drink truth serum before debates! We'd have a lot of people jumping ship for the Reform Party! How about job interviews? Bad idea -- nobody would get hired. Maybe the boss should have to take the truth serum before the interview. I know I'd have a few questions about illegitimate sick days and the blogging-at-work policy. Here's a good question for a future boss on truth serum: "How little can I get away with doing and still keep my job?"

Imagine the OJ Simpson trial with truth serum. No courts, no judge, no witnesses. Just OJ, a cop, a pharmacist, a little wooden chair and a lightbulb hanging from the ceiling.

First they pop OJ in the ass with a syringe of truth serum, then comes the testimony.

"All right OJ. Spill it."

"I told you before. I didn't kill her. I love my ex-wife and I'd never do anything to har... uh.... er, uh... I KILLED THAT BITCH AND THE WHITE BOY WITH THE SUNGLASSES."

We could have saved Johnny Cochran one heck of a headache. Poor bastard. Anybody who works that hard to convince himself that OJ was innocent is going to develop a brain tumor. It's medical scientific fact.

He's just another victim of the lack of truth serum. Let's start using it.

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