4/20/2005

Two-Martini Musings

Unless you’re a serial killer, why would you buy a van? They’re not as economical as a car. They’re not as cool as an SUV. The only thing you can do in a van is kill somebody and dismember the body. The next time somebody goes missing, we should work from a van-owner list by the DMV.

I wish I were a magician because they can make things in their hands disappear. I’d use sleight-of-hand to make things disappear when paying somebody money, or using a condom. I’d fool the cashier into thinking I gave him a $20, and then slip the money into my sleeve once the coast was clear. I’d do the same if a girl asked me to use a condom. Abracadabra! No more prophylactic. Only I’d pull out early. You don’t want a “rabbit” coming out of THAT hat!

I drink a ton of diet soda. My bladder is 7 times normal size. Scientists have studied it to supplement the Theory of Evolution. And I take a mean whiz, too. If I took a leak in outer-space, I’d accelerate to mach 29!

Here’s a pick-up line for all you single guys the next time you see a cute cashier. “Yeah. I’ll take two milks, two buns and a side-order of snatch.” Make sure you’re looking at her boobs when you speak.

I’m going to open a new bar and call it The Drunken Pilot. Here‘s a list of the drink specials: The Kamikaze, The Down-in-Flames, The Debris-on-the-Beach, The Screaming Stewardess, The Airborne Titanic, The Bermuda Triangle, The Dead Wright Brother, and ValueJet.

I read that the USA is selling fighter jets to Pakistan as a reward for her help with the War on Terror. That’s a great idea. I hope we can get rid terrorism and get back to bombing people like civilized adults. Why do we sell military armament to foreign countries, anyway? Eventually we’ll go to war with the country that bought them! I think we sell other countries weapons so we can have somebody to fight. Otherwise, they’d just have sticks and stones. That’s no fun. How long would a war like that last? So I say, sell them the planes. But first, let’s install a self-destruct mechanism we can activate from the Pentagon. Then, just before we press the button, we have an audio clip of Ashton Kutcher in the cockpit saying “You got punked!” War over.

Might as well drink the entire Slurpee. Don’t think that once it melts, you can recapture the magic by putting it in your freezer. You’ll wind up with a flavored block of ice. On the other hand, you can keep one of those 7 Eleven hot dogs for up to 3 weeks. They’re so full of preservatives that if you don’t eat it, you can use it as a garden tool.

Any well-intentioned parent who buys his/her kid an Erector Set is asking for trouble. And perhaps a trip to a pediatric urologist.

Here’s a tip: you know that $2 can of Red Bull you’re drinking? It’s overpriced Kool-Aid. You want to wake up? Dump some ice-water down your pants. See if that doesn’t give you wings. And some blue balls.

I’ve got some career advice, too. Those of you who didn’t go to college, don’t think you’re ineligible for high-paying jobs. Just write this in your cover letter: “I understand this position requires budgeting and financing expertise. Well get this. I saved $85,000 by not spending 5 years in college learning a bunch of useless B.S. That puts me ahead of every candidate you’ve interviewed! Shouldn’t you hire me?”

With a name like Air Supply, you’d think the band would have written more songs about SCUBA diving or space travel.

Here’s something fun to say in the elevator: “Do you know where the restroom is in this thing? Because I’m definitely not going to make it 38 floors.”

I never understood the term “restroom.” You don’t get any rest trying to pinch that chili dog you ate 2 days ago that has suddenly decided to make an encore appearance a little farther south. There’s no “rest” in the restroom. Hell, some of the hardest work I’ve ever done has been while on the crapper.

I think after a while, those mile-makers on the highway should read, “The middle of fucking nowhere.”

Egypt must have a large homosexual demographic, what with all the “butt-fucking.”

You know those hand signals you learn about in driver’s ed? Well, I’ve been driving 17 years and the only signal I’ve seen involved a finger.

I don’t believe “personal growth” to be a worthy goal. I spend an hour a day at the gym trying to shrink a bit.

A brief study of American history will unearth two useless decades: the 1960s and the 1970s. All the crap we deal with today was defecated during these two decades. I submit the 1950s and the 1980s were our finest decades. The 1990s sucked because we tried to relive the 60s and 70s. But it’s been pretty cool since 2000 because we’re tying to relive the 80s. And as we all know, the 80s were just the 50s, with cocaine. Don’t believe me? Try this thought experiment: Mix Danny and the Juniors with cocaine and you get Duran Duran. And wasn’t Reagan just like a coked-out Eisenhower? If you want to know what’s good about America, just look at the 50s and the 80s.

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