Vignette Triple-Play

Pay toilets

Pay toilets are the zenith of capitalism. Can you think of a more pure, undiluted expression of capitalism than making somebody who has to take a squeege cough up a quarter? Give me some money or shit your shorts.

This practice is, of course, the oppoiste of socialism, where you're allowed to take a dump wherever you please, and then keep it, because it's also your paycheck that month.

I could have been a fashion model

It's true. I could have been a male model. Many suggested that I give it a try. So when I was in my twenties, I went to a Sears Robuck recruitment for underwear. They were looking for a new BVD "it boy" for the latest ad campaign.

I fit the part perfectly. They told me I was just what they were looking for. The job paid $130 per hour.

But then I received some bad news. According to the Sears photo editor, I "sport too big of a bulge." There went my modeling career in a flash.

Damn this abnormally large member of mine!

The Young, the Old and the Restless

We're always telling little kids to slow down. "No running." "Slow down." "Take your time." "Be patient." No matter where a kid is going, he's in a hurry to get there.

So why can't we tell old people to hurry the hell up? With the limited amount of time they have, you'd think they'd be the ones in a rush. I waited over a minute -- 60 seconds -- for an old lady to fill her soda glass at McDonalds. I know she was old, but how long does it take to decide between Mountain Dew or Iced Tea? They don't have Metimucil-flavor, Grandma. Stop looking and fill your damn drink!

We put kids on Ritilin to calm them down. Why can't we force old people to take amphetamines? Pop'em full of crank before they go out for that Sunday drive. Christ! They're taking a dozen pills every morning as it is. Why not give them one that actually helps?

Little kids have all the time in the world and they run like it was their last day on earth. Old people take their sweet ass time even thought they could die at any minute. Why?

1 comment:

Maniac said...

I'm reading every single one of your posts, in order, and this one is, at least nearly, the funniest yet. Thanks, man. This web thing... I was getting bored until I found your blog.