Flashes from the Lightning Bug's Butt

  • Do you remember that song by the Pointer Sisters that went "When it comes to love, I want a slow hand...I want a lover with an easy touch?" Well, when it comes to love, I want a lover with a fast hand, and the touch doesn't have to be all that easy, either.
  • I hate that cliche that goes, "We'll have to agree to disagree." I disagree. We've already agreed to disagree, otherwise we wouldn't disagree in the first place. Don't you agree?
  • How come a store can get sued for a trip hazzard, but they can put up barbed-wire around the fences?
  • I'm tired of changing my car's oil. It gets dirty so quickly. I just drained all the oil out of my car so I don't have to deal with it.
  • Shaving your balding head is like ripping a bandage off: instead of a slow, torturous process, get it over with one quick motion.
  • How come the only two times the rain can't wash bird crap away is when it's on a monument or your car?
  • You want to know why they call those SUVs "Hummers?" Because that's what the wife needs to give before hubby will buy her one.
  • I don't care if the Middle East controls the oil supply just as long as they don't corner the market on diet soda.
  • You don't know the definition of "humiliation" until you've clogged the shitter at a cocktail party.
  • Guys really don't like to dance. Even in the movies, the bad guy has to repeatedly shoot bullets at the good guys feet to get him to dance, and even then, it's only an awkward jig (don't get any ideas, Latigo Flint!).
  • I think it would be cool to name your pet "euthanasia." It would take some trauma out of your decision to put your dog to sleep when he gets too old.
  • Before we made "bastard" a cuss word, we should have considered how many illegitimate children we'd have in the country by now. "I'm not a bastard. I'm paternally challenged."

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