5/18/2005

How to fix the American work ethic

I’ve figured out how to improve America’s failing work ethic: Samurais. We need more Samurais. Not those shitbox jeeps that college kids drove back in the 90’s. I mean the Asian warriors who take great pride in their work.

As you may know, when a Samurai dishonors himself with second-rate work, he commits suicide by falling on his sword. They’d rather die than disappoint you. That’s the kind of commitment I’m looking for! Wouldn’t it be nice if your congressman were a Samurai? “Hello. My name is Ashito Yamagushi and I’m running for US Congress in District 12. If I fail to balance the budget and promote hydrogen fuel technology by my first term, I’ll shish kebob myself on the House floor for your viewing pleasure. That‘s a promise.”

Now there’s a man worth voting for. Our current Congressmen’s idea of hard work is a filibuster and a 3-martini lunch on the taxpayers’ dime. Let’s send some Samurai to Washington.

I’ll tell you where I’d like to see Samurais. The McDonald’s drive-thru. I know when I drive 8 miles to my house, open up the bag and discover they forgot the fries, only a dead body is going to soothe my anger. Wouldn’t it be nice to make a phone call to the local burger joint when they screw you at the drive-thru and know that somebody’s going to pay with their life? “Hello. I came through the drive-thru about 15 minutes ago and ordered a #6 combo with a strawberry shake. Yashimoto forgot to put ketchup in the bag. Tell him he can make it quick and painless.”

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