6/02/2005

Don't drive angry. Park angry.

I don’t think you should stop and wait for the car in front of you to pull out of a desirable parking spot. People who do this must think they’re something special.

“Ooh. In a few moments, that parking space will become vacant. Screw the line of poor bastards behind me. I think I’ll stop and turn the Safeway parking lot into a mini-Las Angeles traffic jam rather than park down the aisle and have to walk an extra 70 feet.”

These are the same people who stand at the entrance of the store while they thumb through the sales ad, the same people who squeeze and extra item in the express checkout (I saw that pack of Twinkies, you sly bastard. 8 items or less! 8 items!), the same people who have to be asked twice to put up their tray and return their seat to the upright position during final approach. They’re not special. They’re a living argument for the Taser gun.

Come to think of it, I do want to see these people stop and wait for the good parking spots. Only I’d like them to wait on a railroad track, a drawbridge, or a California sink hole. By all means, take your time. Don’t rush on my account.

Perusing a busy parking lot should be a matter of luck: you drive around and hope the gods open a spot as you’re approaching. Parking should be based on Karma. The good people luck into the good parking spots. Maybe that’s why these people force us to wait behind them while they connive their way into a spot: they know they’re jerkoffs and they don’t have any good karma to spend on parking.

In any event, finding a parking space should be a gamble. It shouldn’t be a sure thing at the expense of everybody else. After all, it’s parking, not socialism. What a shame we don’t save some road rage for the parking lot, where some actually deserve vehicular manslaughter, or a shower of bullets!

It wouldn’t be so inconsiderate to wait for somebody to vacate a parking spot if the person you’re waiting for didn’t invariably take an eon to back out and drive away. If the parking lot were your alimentary canal, these guys would be the giant wayward shitballs backing things up. Why are these people so slow, anyway? They know somebody’s waiting for their spot. Did they want to finish reading the last few chapters of War and Peace before they backed out? Hey lady! Start the car. Check the mirror. Back out and let this jerkoff take your place! You can finish doing your taxes at home.

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