6/28/2005

A kid by any other name

Why do parents deliberately jack up the spelling of their kids' names?

I think it's because the parents want to be creative, but lack the brainpower to dream up an original name. So they settle for "Charidy," "Sandie," "Karyn," or "Jayson." This isn't creativity. It's Hooked on Phonix gone amuck.

I guess we don't have enough passwords and PIN numbers to memorize already? Now we've got to memorize every phonetic permutation of every name in the world? Spell the name correctly, people. Those of you who damn convention might remember that unconventional is the new convention. So be a rebel and do the right thing. If you must misspell something, may I suggest a classic like "they're, their, or there." People fuck those up all the time and nobody gets hurt.

I'll tell you from where this practice evolved: MTV. MTV and their "be an individual" bullshit. That's great for the Top 40 music "artists" popular at any given time. If you're raising a future rap star, by all means, name him after a denomination of currency or a character from the Peanuts comic series. And use a "Z" to idicate the sound of an "S." The kidz dig on dat chit, playaz. But for the rest of us, a uniquely spelled name doesn't do jack squat -- pardon me -- Jaque Skwat!

Parents, I know you fantasize about this special, individual little creature you've created, and that you want his name to commensurate with his uniqueness. But when he grows up to be nighttime shift manager at Burger King, he'll be just another cog in the machinery. So why not give him a correctly spelled name for his BK name badge?

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