Lord of the Fries

We've gone crazy with the fad of frying foods.

We should reserve frying for those foods that taste bad in the first place, because those foods need help. Of course you should fry ochra and zucchini. Potatoes and rice, too. In fact, most vegetables could use a good fry. How else can we eat the stuff? Give them a bath in oil, batter them, fry them up, then eat them like candy. Frying is God's way of making vegetables edible. Plus, the nutrients in the vegetables nullify the hit your heart takes from the oil. Few people know that. That's why a fried vegetable is a "balanced" meal: it's bad for you and it's good for you.

But we've become too cute with fried foods. We didn't stay humble. Now we're frying foods that have no business -- no need -- being fried: Twinkies, Snickers Bars, Ho-Ho's and Oreos, for example.

You don't need to fry a Twinkie. It's perfect right out of the box. It already tastes great. Don't fix it if it ain't broken. It's not just a cliché. It's a recipe.

I’ll bet some country bumpkin started frying Hostess products in his barn after consuming rye whiskey and “becoming familiar” with several barnyard animals. Unfortunately, the pagan ritual caught on.

"Hell, if fryin' can mak’n ochra taste gooooood, jus’ think what it'll do to a Ho-Ho. Gonna be some mmmm-gooooooood eatin‘."

Now you can get fried ice cream. Fried ice cream -- that's an oxymoron. Do you realize some mad scientist actually devised a way to fry something that's supposed to be cold. This is the same mentality that leads to human cloning, cop-show musicals, the Thighmaster and the Pet Rock. This kind of arrogance and lust for tastiness will result in cataclysmic disaster. Someday, somebody will immerse a Bon Bon in a deep-fryer and see the Wrath of God -- like those Nazis did in Raiders of the Lost Arc.

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