More hodgepodge.

  • Those of you who are married, but secretly considering divorce, let me share with you some advice: Chances are you’re romanticizing your single days and reminiscing about the sense of freedom and adventure. But I assure you, if your single days were half of what you remember them to be, you wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. Face it. Being single sucks. Now go kiss your spouse.
  • My mom tells me I should make more of an effort to stay close to my flesh and blood, even if they’re annoying sometimes. I always tell her that I share 99% of my DNA with chimpanzees, and both the chimps and I are fine living on separate continents.
  • Tranquility: the midpoint between constipation and diarrhea.
  • Why do street people always wear asphalt-colored clothing? I almost hit three of them the other night. Those homeless fellas are hard to make out at night -- especially after a few martinis. I say instead of handing out clean hypodermic needles to homeless people, we start handing out reflectors.
  • I disagree that television is bad for you. All the really dangerous ideas come from books. Who’s a worse influence on your kids -- David Hasselhoff or Noam Chomsky?
  • I can think of no greater proof that God loves man than the watermelon.
  • The rounder the food is, the better it tasts: pizza, hamburgers, doughnuts, truffles, Butterfinger BB’s.
  • Splendra sweetener claims that you can use it "practically anywhere you use sugar." Does that include my ex-girlfriend’s gas tank?
  • I dislike the cliche that goes, "We'll have to agree to disagree." I disagree. We've already agreed to disagree, otherwise we wouldn't disagree in the first place. Don't you agree?
  • At what point in my life did diarrhea become "Irritable Bowel Syndrome?" "Diarrhea" isn't the prettiest word, but it's still better than any arrangement of the words "irritable" and "bowel." And what do bowels have to be irritable about anyway? They can pass all the shit life gives them along for some asshole to deal with! My job should be so easy

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