6/21/2005

A pinch of wisdom, a punch of rubbish

  • I just used diet soda to clear the taffy off of my teeth. My hygienist would be proud.
  • Here’s all you need to know about politics: Conservatives derive their power from the creation of enemies. Liberals derive their power from the creation of victims.
  • Do you remember “teachers’ aides” in school -- the kids who got class credit for taking attendance, collecting homework and grading tests? In eight grade, our math teacher had a teacher’s aide. His name was Doug, and he was fat. We called him “Rolaids.” I thought that was hilarious. In fact, I still do.
  • Here’s a remedy for road rage. The next time you’re stuck behind somebody who insists on driving 32 miles per hour, imagine he’s going someplace really unpleasant, like root canal procedure from a dentist with Parkinson’s, or testicular mass surgery. Or how about an IRS audit? Then, when you’re good an pissed off, you can understand why he’s driving slowly, and you can relish in his misery.
  • Here’s the difference between a smart person and a stubborn person: A smart person knows he has the right-of-way in a crosswalk, yet waits for traffic to pass before crossing. A stubborn person knows he has the right-of-way in a crosswalk and he’ll spend a month in the intensive care unit to prove it.
  • There’s no such thing as a good day at work or a bad orgasm. Consequently, I call in sick and jerk off a lot.
  • I’ve had the same refrigerator for 12 years. During that time, I’ve had to buy 5 computers. And just like the fridge, they all freeze-up. I wish Westinghouse would start making computers.
  • Only three things taste good: fat, sugar and salt. If a food tastes good, it’s got at least one of these ingredients in unhealthful proportions. This is one of the ways God makes Himself laugh. Another gag He plays is making us sexually attracted to body parts used for excreting waste. Good one, my Lord!
  • Speaking of God, it’s a good thing He didn’t work with a committee. We’d still be waiting for light.

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